I don’t care that my four-year relationship is over. What is wrong with me?
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
My college girlfriend and I (both women) were together for four years, through a pandemic, graduation, and almost a year of post-graduation long distance. It was a very good relationship; we basically never fought, treated each other very well, genuinely liked each other, etc. She broke up with me a few months ago after realizing she wanted kids—I definitely do not.
It was hard, but…I’m kind of astonished by how well I’m taking it?
It’s not just me noticing this, either. In the lead up to our breakup, when we were talking a LOT about what was going to happen, she noticed that I was very calm. Unusually calm, for someone talking about ending a four-year relationship! I am generally a measured person, but usually, any kind of conflict makes me immediately cry. Instead, this calm pragmatism just came over me. Post-breakup, I think my friends and family kept waiting for me to fall apart, and it just kept… not happening. I’m as surprised as they are. It was like I skipped right over the first four stages of grief to acceptance in less than a week. Both of my parents, my best friend, my therapist, and my co-workers, have all probed with various degrees of delicacy to ask if I am REALLY alright. And yeah, I think I am really alright. (“How… mature of you,” they say, looking sympathetic but confused.) My best explanation is that if our relationship was GOING to end, I would rather it happened like this, mutually respectful and over an incompatibility rather than a fight. But I don’t really think that can account for all of it.
So, what the hell? I was in love with her, I still care deeply about her, I still miss her—but I feel fine. I’m as confused as the people around me are. Is there something wrong with me, that such a huge event in my life didn’t destabilize me? I’ve had depressive episodes over much less. I don’t think I’m in denial, either! In a weird way, it almost feels like a discredit to my ex and our relationship that I feel so stable and fine.
—Stable and Fine
Dear Stable and Fine,
Maybe you weren’t all that passionate about her, even before the kid issue came up. Maybe you are relieved that you won’t have to negotiate this decision together. Maybe you think you two are better as friends. Maybe you saw this coming. Maybe during those four years, you realized you weren’t actually ready to never date anyone else again. There are many potential explanations for the way you’re feeling. You are not a sociopath. There’s tons of tragedy and pain in the world—don’t go looking for suffering where it doesn’t exist.
—Jenée Desmond-Harris
From: Help! I Tried to Help My Friend With Her Addiction at a Party. What a Mistake. (May 8th, 2023.)
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Dear Prudence,
Ever since my husband and I got married six years ago, my father-in-law has sent me a card with money in it for my birthday. He’s a sweet man, and we have never had a single bad word between us. What I cannot understand is why he always gives me $20 less than he gives my husband, which is $100, each year for our birthdays. I know this sounds extremely petty, but I can’t make any sense of his reasoning. It’s not even the money that bothers me—it’s the obvious slight. I’ve thought about asking my father-in-law if I have ever done something to offend him, but my husband requests that I just leave things alone and not create a problem where there is none. What do you think?
—Confused Daughter-in-Law
Dear Confused,
Your husband, what a weenie! He should be supporting you in your efforts to rectify this affront. You’ve been married for six years, so the old man owes you $120 in back birthday gift money. Write up a bill and hand it to him next time your special day rolls around. You also need to have that heart-to-heart you’ve been gunning for. I imagine it should go something like this: “Artie, you’ve always been warm and welcoming to me. We’ve never exchanged an unpleasant word. You even remember my birthday, which I’ve got to acknowledge probably 99 percent of fathers-in-law would not do. But you’ve been shorting me $20 a year in birthday money the entire time I’ve been married to your son, and I need an explanation. Why are you grabbing your left arm, moaning, and keeling over? Don’t tell me that my asserting my rights has caused you to have a heart attack. Stop mumbling, ‘My son is married to a lunatic!’ This is just like you, Artie, wanting to go to intensive care instead of talking about my feelings. Artie, let me take some cash from your wallet before the ambulance comes.”
—Emily Yoffe
From: I’ll Have What the Toddler’s Having. (April 14th, 2011.)
Dear Prudence,
I want to stop being friends with someone, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting and/or how to end it. They have been in my life for more than 20 years, and while we have tried to maintain a friendship cross-country and even across continents, recently over the past five years they have felt very judgmental, and I’m kind of over it. I blame COVID and their being isolated, but now I’m starting to think that is how they think. I know they don’t realize how they sound, and when brought to their attention when it’s over the top they are quick to apologize, but some of their comments about my lifestyle and parenting style, even off-the-cuff remarks about presents I send, just make me want to shake my head and say, “Are you serious?” I would tell them, “Hey, your comment hurt my feelings.” But it’s so often that I’m thinking we’ve grown apart and it’s best we parted ways. Have you heard of this before, and what is your advice?
—Hanging By a Thread
Dear Hanging By a Thread,
As uncomfortable as those tough conversations are, if you want to salvage this friendship, you’ll need to be vulnerable by confessing to your friend that your feelings have been hurt. But if you do that and see no results (or really don’t want to be a part of this friendship anymore—that’s OK too), you’re right that it’s time to go your separate ways. It’s fine to do this through a fade-out, but what I really recommend, if you can stomach it, is an official friend breakup. One more difficult talk in which you clearly state that this isn’t working for you anymore but you wish them the best is the bravest and best way to go.
—J.D.
From: Help! I’m in My 40s and Eternally Single. No One Understands Why. (November 26th, 2022.)
Classic Prudie
A little after my wife and I reconciled from our separation, we discovered she was pregnant. Although we were having marital problems, we were going through marriage therapy and I genuinely wanted to give it another try. I was, of course, over the moon about becoming a father. Things were starting to look up, until I discovered an ultrasound scan report which showed my wife was further along in the pregnancy than she told me. After a bitter, heated argument, she confessed she conceived the baby with someone else while we were separated.
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