I reminded my husband of our long-time agreement. His reaction isn’t fair.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a woman, and I have been with my husband for 18 years. He is 22 years older than me. When we met, I was still recovering from a nasty divorce where my ex repeatedly cheated on me. After much thought, I rejected monogamy. My (now) husband was fine with having an open relationship. For the first 10 years, we had fun as swingers.

My husband has been at an age for about 10 years now where things don’t “work” anymore. We’ve been to multiple specialists and tried many remedies, to no avail. Several months ago, I realized it had been four years since we were last intimate. Before that, it had been five years. I’m still fairly young and have a sex drive. When I mentioned going outside of our marriage, he got very upset. I reminded him that being open has always been a condition of our relationship. He just asked that I not brag to him about it. I told him that I wouldn’t lie, but wouldn’t be nasty about it. I told him that if he asked questions, I would tell him the entire truth.

I finally had the opportunity to have my needs fulfilled, discreetly and safely, and am looking forward to more. Honestly, I felt like a new woman afterward and have been a better partner since. However, when my husband found something that made him suspect, he acted sad, but didn’t ask.

I sympathize that no longer being able to satisfy his wife itmust be difficult. But this is biology. My husband is still my love and my heart. I am completely devoted to him in every other way. I don’t want to feel guilty about something we had long agreed upon and practiced. But I don’t want to “sneak around.” Should I just tell him I’ve already had an interlude?

—Turned On and Baffled

Dear Turned On and Baffled,

I would seek more clarity first. What did your husband mean, exactly, when he asked you not to “brag” about your extracurriculars? “Brag” is too open to interpretation. He could receive any discussion of sex outside of your marriage as bragging. Or maybe he means detailed descriptions, especially as they pertain to your pleasure. You should straight-up ask him how much information he wants. Does he want to know when you are out having sex, or would he prefer that to be ambiguous? In other words, would it be easier for him if you had a don’t-ask-don’t-tell arrangement?

You should do your best to cater to his sensitivity here. You are getting to have outside sex, which you know he isn’t thrilled about. However, he hasn’t made any serious attempt to stop you (yet?). He’s bending, so you should compromise with him and navigate this delicately. An explicit agreement can help with that. But also, be open to that arrangement needing to change, as experience dictates. What feels tolerable today may not be so tomorrow. So you can ask him directly, “What and how much do you want to know?” You can ask him if he wants to know if you’ve already had outside sex. He may, in fact, want you to “sneak around.” You shouldn’t do anything you are morally against (like lying), but if he wants discretion and you want to keep getting outside dick, respecting his wishes is going to facilitate that most peacefully.

And just a note for him: Make sure he’s exhausted all options before giving up. If he hasn’t tried Trimix, an injectable drug for erectile dysfunction with high efficacy, he should. There are also penile implants that can effectively create erections on demand. These require surgery, of course, and are typically used when other treatments fail. But it might be worth looking into if he hasn’t already.

And a P.P.S. for both of you: There is sex beyond penetration. Whether you are interested in it is another matter, of course. You may only want PIV sex, in which case you can ignore this coda. But if you’re interested in sex with your husband that doesn’t require his penis to be hard, there is plenty to explore—there’s oral and manual, there are toys, there’s BDSM and role play. There’s a whole world of experimenting to be done that exists irrespective of erections—and it might help ease his sadness about not being able to satisfy you anymore, as you put it.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a transmasc enby, primarily he/him, and have been on testosterone for nine years as of early this month. I also have an autoimmune condition that means injections are extremely painful, and my T levels were fluctuating pretty madly while on the shots, so as soon as financially feasible (insurance, of course, won’t cover it), I switched to the gel.

The thing is, despite far more stable T levels and a perfectly working libido, I can’t seem to orgasm anymore, nor does masturbation give me much of a sense of pleasure. No matter what I try, none of it gets more than maybe a mild “nice.” There are no trans-friendly OB-GYNS I can speak to (I’m in a very anti-trans location), and my primary doctor doesn’t have the experience in this area to help. Everything that worked before’s just not doing a thing for me now! What should I do?

—Not Coming, Just Going

Dear Not Coming, Just Going,

I ran your question by Damon Constantinides, a queer and trans sex therapist and coach (@dr.damonc on Instagram and TikTok), and he hadn’t previously heard of such an issue when switching from injectable T to the gel. Also, testosterone doesn’t typically affect orgasm—certainly not over libido. So this is curious.

One thing to be sure of is that there isn’t another potential intervening factor. “When I’m working with people about an inability to orgasm, it’s usually not physiological, and if it feels physiological, it’s usually connected to antidepressants,” Constantinides said in a Zoom. “I would make sure this person hasn’t started any other new medications since he switched the testosterone.”

You might also take this opportunity to venture out with your stimulation. Constantinides told me that he’s had sensitive conversations with trans men about experimenting with vibrators and penetration—sensitive because those toys can be non-affirming. The idea is for this stuff to be fun and comfortable so that you could potentially orgasm, not be distracted by dysphoric feelings. You could check out the toys that Transthetics sells (that’s a company for and by trans people). Another idea: a clitoral suction vibrator, which, according to Constantinides, “fits a trans dick way better than it does female genitalia without testosterone.” He added: “For some people, that is very affirming, because it is a toy that seems like it’s made more for a trans body.”

You might also want to crowdsource this within your community (or via a community like Reddit, where on r/ftm, people have discussed difficulties with orgasm while on T). Unfortunately, trans-affirming doctors are harder and harder to come by with the pressure that the Trump administration has put on care providers. There’s not a lot of data to pick from or research being conducted. In this climate, trans people’s biggest allies are other trans people. As Constantinides explained: “I learned about long-term effects of testosterone, not from my provider, not from any of these books that I’ve read, but from being in a room with like 50 other trans men who were like, ‘Oh, yeah, that happened to me after 20 years on testosterone too.’”

Have Feedback for How to Do It?

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 30-year-old man, and I have recently started going to the gym after pretty much never having worked out in my life. I’m doing a weight-lifting and cardio plan now, and it’s been really great. It’s got me feeling great about myself and has generally just given me more overall motivation.

One side effect I was not expecting was how horny I am all the time now. Before, I was on the average side of things, but I suddenly feel like a teenager again. It’s been fun, but also confusing for my girlfriend and me. She definitely does not have the libido to keep up with this newfound energy, and I don’t expect her to. Is this a thing? Where do I put all this energy if I’m not having sex multiple times a day with my girlfriend (we definitely don’t have the time for that)?

—Blessing and a Curse

Dear Blessing and a Curse,

Definitely a thing, at least anecdotally. Much has been written about post–gym horniness. Generally, when this is discussed, it’s in the context of right after the gym when testosterone levels are temporarily elevated. That can affect libido. Of course, there’s much more at work than just testosterone—there’s endorphins, dopamine/serotonin, and the energy that exercise can give you. Overall, working out can help decrease your body fat and boost your confidence. Some studies have suggested that men who are active have higher T levels than those who are sedentary. It makes sense that you’re hornier overall.

Now, what to do with it? Letting the horniness simmer can make sex more exciting and explosive when it actually happens. You might just carry it around with you—enjoy it while you have it, because no one is promised a libido tomorrow. Mindfulness—here, that might mean intentionally acknowledging your skyrocketing libido but telling yourself that you’re only going to relieve it in the company of your girlfriend—might be a good way to practice self-control. Though surely, you realize that you don’t have to get off only in the company of your girlfriend, right? You can jerk off more. Get into toys like Fleshlights or strokers. Experiment with varying forms of stimulation and different ways of keeping yourself turned on. Now’s the time to explore various kinds of porn. Cultivate and/or enhance your sexual relationship with yourself.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

When I was very pregnant with our second child, my husband Luke told me that he wanted to open our relationship by adding a third person. While Luke and I had dated casually at first, we’ve been committed and monogamous for over eight years, so it was a huge and upsetting surprise. I struggle with anxiety and jealousy normally, so it took a lot of effort and learning (part of it thanks to this column) to be open to it. I asked Luke to wait until six months postpartum before we had a serious discussion of pursuing it, but told him that we could incorporate it into sexy talk in the meantime to scratch his itch together.