I’m a mom and psychologist—parents who are less stressed do 5 things differently
The demands of raising children have reached a fever pitch. So has parental stress.
In a survey of 3,185 adults, nearly half (48%) of parents said that “most days their stress is completely overwhelming,” according to a 2023 survey from the American Psychological Association. Three in five said the stress makes it difficult to focus, and 62% said “no one understands how stressed out they are.”
As a psychologist and co-author of “Parents Have Feelings, Too,” I’ve spent over 10 years working with parents who are overburdened by the mental load of raising young children. Some of them try to stuff down their feelings. Others blame themselves for their stress. Both approaches can leave parents feeling even more overwhelmed.
Stress isn’t a siren call to “suck it up,” or an invitation to embrace perfectionism. Rather, it’s a signal to slow down and identify how to troubleshoot the situation.
Learning how to respond when tension mounts can help. So the next time you feel underwater with your crying toddler or your unrelenting work demands, try doing these five things.
1. Meet chaos with calm
Whether you’re caring for a sick child, facing economic hardship, or breaking up a fight between your kids, stressful moments can feel chaotic.
This happens because stress can affect our physical, psychological, and social well-being. Physically, stress makes our body feel tense and our heart rate increase. Psychologically, it can spur on worry and anxiety.
I’ve met mothers who fear they’re the “worst parents of the year” if they take time for self-care after a hard day. Others believe they’re forever falling short if they don’t take on additional tasks, such as volunteering at their kid’s school.
My best advice is to pause for a moment of mindfulness. Taking five deep belly breaths can turn high-stress experiences into manageable moments.
2. Replace comparisons with compassion
Nearly every parent gets stuck on the carousel of comparison. But when we compare ourselves to others, we risk fueling our inner critics, which can make stress swell.
Stress-savvy parents replace comparisons with compassion. Research shows that self-compassion, such as telling yourself, “I am having a stressful moment, all parents feel this way sometimes,” can help shift your perspective.
Comparisons can make us feel deficient, but compassion helps us feel connected. Self-compassion also sets the stage for responding to our child’s stress with kindness.
3. Ask for help
It can be hard to ask for help, even from a close friend or family member. So often, we believe that expressing our needs makes us weak or puts a burden on people. But it actually teaches our kids that it’s okay to depend on others.
Finding support can protect your mental health. Telling a friend, “I’m having a rough day. Can I call you?” gives loved ones a chance to express their care, which helps us feel less alone.
New research also shows that parental well-being influences how stress affects children, often for years to come. Stress is contagious, but with support, we’re less likely to pass our problems on to our children.
4. Express empathy
Empathy is an emotional salve. It empowers us to respond kindly when stress arises, especially when it involves our kids.
During these moments, wise parents listen to their child’s perspective with a dose of curiosity. Asking “What’s happening right now that’s upsetting you?” and “How can I help?” invites authentic responses and emotional sharing — two things that help kids regulate tough emotions.
Research even shows that empathic parents feel more confident and find a greater sense of purpose. This can make parenting feel less taxing, even on tough days.
5. Savor positive emotions
Stress can be a joy thief. It primes the brain to look for new problems. This can put parents on high alert. For example, if you’re stressed about your teen’s online safety, you may be tempted to check their phone for any sign of trouble.
The best stress-handling parents look for glimmers of joy. This could be a smile from your child, a hug from your partner, or a compliment from a fellow parent.
In these positive moments, take time to notice how joy feels in your body. Joy is an expansive emotion. It makes us feel larger than life. Savoring that feeling can strengthen family relationships and help us flourish.
I’ve watched parents navigate their stress using all of these tools. When parents feel empowered to handle their stress, they can help their kids do the same. It’s a win for the entire family.
Dr. Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with new parents. She is a co-author of “Parents Have Feelings, Too.” She also teaches workshops for expectant parents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital, where she also supervises psychiatry residents. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.
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