We’re taking our nieces and nephews on a summer camping trip. My new sister-in-law is already ruining it.

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Dear Prudence,

My husband and I are big believers in the benefits of the Great Outdoors and want to transfer that passion to the next generation. We don’t have kids, but we have taken our nieces and nephews camping, hiking, hunting, and even sailing over the years. We pay for everything, as our siblings don’t have big budgets for trips like these.

The problem is that my brother got a divorce three years ago and promptly married “Susan.” Susan has a 12-year-old daughter, “Tiffany.” I have never met a more sullen or spoiled girl. Tiffany is always glued to her phone and is constantly rude. She tells her own mother regularly to “shut the hell up” and receives zero consequences. My sister caught Tiffany bullying her two younger girls to the point of tears and now refuses to let them be around Tiffany anymore. My brother’s two other children are teenagers and have bluntly said they don’t want to visit because their stepmother lets Tiffany get away with murder.

My husband and I are geographically closest to my brother and have been sucked into all this drama. It has been particularly hard on our teenage nephew because he had problems in school, and his father isn’t present, but my husband and I are. My brother has accused us of winding up his kids so they avoid him. Susan has straight-up told me that we are making Tiffany feel unwelcome and excluded from our family. I have tried and tried to build a bond with Tiffany, even going out of my way to take her and a few friends to a carnival. The response when I told them that I didn’t have more money for rides was Tiffany calling me cheap and bragging to her friends that she didn’t have to listen to me. As usual, Susan did zip.

This summer, we have plans to take my brother’s kids out of state to a national park and camp. But Susan is back up on her soapbox about Tiffany not getting the same experiences. When my husband pointed out that Tiffany basically hates anything to do with nature and would hate camping in the woods, the response was that we should just change the trip! My husband didn’t rant about this until we got home, but he told me that if I don’t tell my brother and his wife off, he is and he isn’t going to mince words. My former sister-in-law has already given her blessings for the trip, so there isn’t much of a threat of my brother caving and canceling it, but I still have to deal with my brother and the antics of his new family. What do I do here?

—Aunt in Oregon

Dear Aunt in Oregon,

The parts of this situation that I want you to try to release are the ones about Tiffany being sullen, spoiled, and rude to her parents. Those just aren’t really your business. Beyond that, if you focus a lot on how much you dislike this kid, your feelings will come through in your conversations about her and with her, making things even worse than they already are.

The things that are your business, and legitimate topics for your attention, are 1) Tiffany being a jerk to you personally and 2) Tiffany bullying the other kids in the family. Those are solid reasons to exclude her from the trip. That is, if she even chooses to come. Your refusal to reorganize it around a destination of her choosing needs no explanation and may make this whole argument a non-issue. That was an absurd request.

While your brother and his wife seem deeply unreasonable, I hope your husband can understand that cussing them out accomplishes nothing. Plus, the narrower you can make this conflict, the better. No need to say things you’ll regret about your brothers’ lackluster relationship with your nephew or his wife’s failure to inspire manners in Tiffany. Do keep in mind that her behavior is probably a reflection of her struggle with her parents’ divorce. While the behavior is bad, she’s a troubled kid, not a monster. So, try to avoid going overboard with vilifying her as you work to protect the other kids in your life and your planned vacation.

Dear Prudence,

I was surprised when my father got remarried, as I had only met his girlfriend, “Jackie,” a few times since I was away at college. It was a small ceremony done at the courthouse, and everyone went out to eat afterward. Jackie was divorced with teenage kids, and my mom died when I was 10, so I guess that they didn’t want a big, fancy wedding.

But now Jackie is acting very strangely about my own wedding. My fiancé is Hispanic, so it is going to be a big blowout in his hometown, where most of his family still lives, and they are pulling out all the stops. There will be food trucks, live music, and dancing until dawn. Most of our budget is going toward paying for plane tickets and hotel rooms for my side of the family since they are scattered all over the country. We aren’t having a honeymoon, and I found my dress in a thrift store.

Jackie keeps making catty remarks about how excessive and expensive everything is, or she gets petty and pissy about things like not being invited to go dress shopping with my maternal aunt and best friend. Again, it was just us shopping at a thrift store, and I happened to stumble on the perfect dress. She hates our planned menu, that we are having a Catholic mass, and pretty much all of our choices down to the wedding colors (which are none—our bridal party is just having coordinating ties and flowers). My dad and I have weekly Zoom calls, and Jackie is always lingering in the background and giving her two cents.

I tried to rise above it, but lost my cool when Jackie whined that her sons, who live overseas now and I barely know, weren’t invited. I told Jackie they could have an invitation if she wanted to pony up the money for the international fare. We have not asked anything from her and my dad other than that they pay for their hotel and gas. We all live in the South, and they don’t have much money. Jackie started wailing and weeping, so my dad ended the call.

Since then, he has been very cagey and defensive about his wife to the point that it is giving me nightmares. In our last conversation, my dad actually tried to argue that Jackie never had a daughter and never got to plan a wedding for her, so it is understandable that she is “sad.” I screamed that my mother was dead, and maybe my feelings about missing her and my wedding were more important here. My dad ended the call, and I am wondering if I should just cut him from escorting me down the aisle and a first dance altogether if he will not even defend me.

My fiancé told me he would support me, but that I should think of this as a nuclear option. Everyone else thinks Jackie is nuts, and my father is nuts for going along with this. I have had multiple relations, from my aunt to my second male cousin, offer to walk me down the aisle instead. My best friend told me that she would sit on Jackie if she tried anything (Jackie weighs nothing, and my best friend is 6 feet tall). I just can’t wrap my head around this.

—Not Cinderella, But Evil Stepmother

Dear Not Cinderella,

I love your best friend. I—no surprise here—don’t love Jackie. So I don’t want you to spend any more time thinking about her. Do not engage.

You really shouldn’t even be in a position to hear any of her critiques of your wedding plans, but if she weasels her way into another Zoom call and complains about your decisions, be as dismissive as possible. Somewhere in the “Thanks for sharing”  and “Oh, OK” range will be fine.

I agree with everyone that your dad’s response is disappointing. But he’s acting like a spineless person who is relatively newly in love, not a monster. So I think you should still include him in your day. Mostly, I don’t want someone as ridiculous as Jackie to rob you of making this memory with him. The support from your relatives who agree that she’s out of control should make her presence tolerable—you won’t feel ganged up on or gaslit about what’s happening. And while I can’t condone your BFF’s threat to smother Jackie if she acts up, I feel confident that any antics on her part on your wedding day or otherwise that go beyond being unnecessarily sad and dominating your dad’s attention won’t be tolerated.

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Dear Prudence,

I had a whirlwind romance where I married a man a decade older than me after a year of dating. Maybe I was naive, but we had known each other socially our entire lives, and our parents are old friends who still go on vacation together. We were talking kids when I found his not-so-ex-girlfriend swaying around in my kitchen, eating my food, and wearing my robe. I came home early from work because I wasn’t feeling well, and I wish I could say I shoved her out the door and took my robe back. Instead, I stuttered an apology and ran away. I didn’t even return to our place until I filed for divorce. My ex didn’t contest the divorce. I called, and he said, “Oh,” when I confronted him and “OK” when I asked for the divorce. It was as painless as possible … so like pulling out a rotten tooth with a string.

Here is the thing. He married this woman almost immediately after our divorce, and his mother hated her. Then and now. I moved on, married, and have two beautiful children. I still socially saw my ex-mother-in-law and conversed with her occasionally. But never in a million years did I expect that she would leave me her heirloom jewelry in her will. Her passing was sudden, but her will was a complete shock.

It is an obvious and deliberate slight against her daughter-in-law, but a dark part of me is delighted. It feels like it’s karma. My ex has asked for the jewelry back, but my husband thinks he should pay the market rate at least. Part of me believes that paying is the least the pair of them could do, but another part just wants to dump this entire mess. My ex has cousins, and I am sure they would accept their aunt’s jewelry. So what should I do?

—In the Will

Dear In the Will,

Let him make an offer! Then ask for 20 percent more.

Classic Prudie

I work at a small company of about eight women who work together daily on a commission basis, so missing work is not the issue here. One of them is a parent of multiple young kids and is expecting again. She has confided in me that her house has had mold problems and a maggot infestation. Her kids are ALWAYS throwing up and she blames it on daycare…