My husband tries really hard to “make sex fun.” I have bad news for him.

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Dear How to Do It, 

I’m a cis heterosexual woman. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years. He’s older and a big substance user. I think the second thing may be a contributing factor to his erectile dysfunction. He has a Tadalafil prescription and has communicated both in word and deed that he wants to plan the times we have sex, so he can take a pill and give it time to work. Nothing spontaneous. Over the years, I have gotten used to this since there seemed to be no other way forward, but I’m also dealing with something that seems like a huge contradiction.

He clearly wants me to express more desire for him. He has said that being wanted turns him on. For a while, he got into this toy called a chastity cage, which he would put on and slip me the key to, sometimes at really annoying times like when I was on a work call. Sometimes I go away for work for a few days and come back, and he has some new idea for a toy or a kind of kink to try. I try to be enthusiastic, positive, and gentle. I don’t say no to anything (the closest I’ve come to “no” is saying, “I only want to try this if you’re willing to engage with a sex therapist or some kind of expert who can help us avoid injuring ourselves”). But privately, I’m super frustrated.

I do orgasm when we have sex (more than half the time). But I feel like everything is on his terms; he doesn’t really pay attention to how things feel for me beyond whether or not I came, and he is surprisingly obtuse when it comes to repeating what worked for me the last time, even if I say something like, “Wow, thank you, I really loved it when you did X.” I don’t think he’s trying to be rude or inconsiderate, I think he just genuinely gets super nervous about his own performance and then goes into tunnel mode. Last time we had sex, he actually said, “Sorry, I was so nervous,” afterward. I think he has a lot of anxiety in general, which he uses substances to deal with. So it’s like he’s trapped in this cycle. But he makes such a huge effort to come up with ways to make sex fun.

I recently asked him: Are these ideas a way to cope with some kind of lack you are feeling in our sexual connection? He said, “No, I just think it’s so cool that we can do whatever we want as two married adults.” So his words are positive, and it makes it impossible for me to say how I feel about it all, because how I really feel is very negative. I am so tired. I’m tired of the toys, the new purchases, the plans for kink. I just want to be touched. I can show him how to please me with just his hands, lips, and tongue, and I have, but it never seems to stick. I know I please him without equipment because he comes when we have penetrative sex or oral, or he masturbates. His penis works, even if it’s not some rock-hard, hours-long erection, it’s totally fine with me! But it’s like he doesn’t believe that himself. Or maybe he does, and he really does simply like all these toys. Sometimes I think I’m just spiraling and things aren’t as bad as they seem in my head. But I feel starved and alone. Help!

—What Is Reality?

Dear Reality,

You describe yourself, in your own words, as “super frustrated,” “very negative,” “so tired,” and “starved and alone.” Those feelings are an issue. Wanting to address the reasons those feelings are happening and make changes in your relationship is valid and reasonable.

As far as, you know, how to do it, the picture you paint in your letter is one of several tangled communication problems. You express a reluctance to be forthright about your emotions because they are negative, which makes me really curious about whether you usually prioritize keeping the peace over being direct about what you’re feeling, needing, and have boundaries around, or whether this tendency is specific to your husband. If it’s the latter, take a look at a description of psychological and emotional abuse and consider whether you should focus more on safely exiting (you can reach out for support here)  than staying and repairing the relationship. If you’re often holding yourself back from sharing your feelings in other important relationships in addition to this one, that’s something you can work on without your husband’s involvement or permission, and a skill that will serve you well regardless of what happens in your marriage.

Between his anxiety-fuelled substance use, inability to internalize basic information about how you like to be touched, belief that whether or not you had an orgasm is the complete barometer of whether you enjoyed sex, and interruptions of your work calls to hand you a chastity device key, your husband needs a wake-up call that you haven’t been able to effectively deliver. Searching for upsides such as “he tries really hard to make sex fun” when the definition of fun he aims for has nothing to do with what you enjoy is grasping at straws.

It’s totally possible that your husband has some mental health conditions that are behind his disregard for you—and that would be his problem to take responsibility for, not yours to keep tolerating. Rather than push for sex therapy (especially since the context you bring it up in is one of safety tips for activities you don’t seem to want to engage in), focus on your need for him to show up as a partner who pays attention and treats you with respect. A therapist for himself who is a good fit can help him untangle the ball of substance reliance, anxiety, and anything else that may be contributing. I suspect there are issues with how the two of you interact outside of the bedroom, which are therefore probably less emotionally charged, that you can point to as reasons you want him to address his behavior.

Dear How to Do It, 

My wife and I had our son eight months ago. She’s been cleared to go back to sex for a little over four months now, and she has lost all desire and always has an excuse as to why she doesn’t want to do anything. I can’t even so much as get a hand job from her. It’s like living with a nun. I’m only 32 and have no interest in a sex life that consists only of masturbation and sex toys. Should I insist on counseling?

—Done Being an Incel

Dear Done,

Being cleared for sex after giving birth either speaks to the doctor’s adherence to routine or to their assessment of the person’s body. It doesn’t take into account how the person is feeling, whether they’re exhausted from caring for an infant, or are experiencing psychiatric complications after giving birth. So, how is your wife feeling? Is she constantly tired? Has her personality changed? Those questions might help you understand what’s happening. Everything listed can easily get in the way of feeling sexual desire or having the energy necessary to act upon it. Other factors to consider are what your method of seduction looks like (if it’s based on announcing an expectation of getting off, that might be a big part of the disconnect) and how much of the complex responsibilities of child care you’re taking on compared to what you expect her to handle.

You’re clearly frustrated. You don’t say much about your wife other than that she’s fairly recently postpartum and not interested in sex. An understanding of what’s happening on your wife’s end is necessary for productive thinking about how to expedite a return to mutually interesting and satisfying sex—I don’t think you’ll be happy in a situation where your wife adds “jerk my husband off” to her list of chores, though, of course, I’m presuming you care whether your wife actually wants to have sex with you and enjoys herself when she does. If you’re unable to make a reasonably educated guess, and examine your relationship and household for areas you might be able to make changes to your own behavior, then yes, counseling seems to be in order, possibly to help the two of you get your communication to a point where you can talk with each other effectively and solve issues like this one.

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Dear How to Do It, 

As a young teen, I hooked up in a lot of semi-public places—think: cars, making out, and getting hot and heavy in parks or other public places. Now, as an adult, I find myself missing that excitement with my husband, but also having a much lower risk tolerance. I don’t want us to get caught and get into big trouble! Is there a way to live out this fantasy safely—somewhere away from prying eyes, but that still captures some of the thrill?

—I’m a Fearful Adult Now

Dear Fearful Adult,

Depending on what exactly the thrill is, there’s probably something close enough. Varying locations for sex within your home, like moving to the couch, kitchen, up against a wall, or otherwise, can add novelty with no risk of being seen. If you have a garage, you can safely have sex in the car again as long as the garage door is opaque and closed (and the car isn’t running). If it’s about playing with some amount of “accidental” exhibitionism, there’s probably some kind of swingers’ scene or sex club where you can find rooms or quiet corners that allow for the potential of being discovered (but only by people who have consented to seeing others have sex). If the appeal is more about the tension of possible ramifications, you might look for role-playing games that encourage a similar sense of risking getting into trouble.

—Jessica

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