Before we moved near them, my in-laws made a major promise. They haven’t kept it.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I absolutely adore my in-laws (my father-in-law and stepmother-in-law). They are really supportive, great grandparents, and all-around good people. Up until this year, we lived a two-hour drive away from them, but they made the effort to come up at least once a month to spend time with our son.

I have another mother-in-law who had a major health crisis around the time I found out I was pregnant with our second baby. This prompted us to consider whether we should move to the area where all my in-laws live. The reason was twofold: We could provide support for my mother-in-law, and my father-in-law and stepmother-in-law could provide support for us.
My parents-in-law (dad and stepmother) were very excited about the prospect of our move. They made a lot of noise about how much they would see our boys, and about how they’d have my oldest after school a couple of times a week. That just hasn’t happened. I want to give them credit for having been INVALUABLE in emergencies. Our second has had health issues, and my father-in-law rushed over so my husband and I could both go to the emergency room with him. We have occasional babysitting nights.

But they are also the busiest retired people ever! Their “help” is entirely on their terms. I’ll get a random call on a random day, “Oh, can I take Oldest Son today?” But aside from swimming lessons on Sunday, there have been none of the consistent plans they promised. Every now and then, they ask if they can come to see the boys, but if I try to set up something regular, like “Could you take the oldest every Thursday afternoon? Can we pick a regular day for you to come to dinner every week?” suddenly their calendars are so full, and they can’t commit to anything. I was promised weekly dinners and regular grandparent play dates. It hasn’t happened. I feel isolated where we live. We don’t have friends in the area. I didn’t think seeing my in-laws would feel like pulling teeth, but sometimes it does. Am I asking too much? Am I being ungrateful?

—Too Much?

Dear Too Much?,

You’re not alone in that expectation. When I was young, my grandma watched me every day before and after school. This arrangement allowed my mom to work, pick up extra side jobs, and go back to school. So I assumed that once my mom retired, she’d be the same way with my son. But that’s just not the case. Her activities supersede my babysitting needs. At first, I felt just like you did. I felt like I was on an island by myself, and it was the day-to-day parenting stuff that I was drowning in. (Like you, I was super appreciative of her support during those big emergencies and also the times when my parents would just randomly offer to take him or even keep him an extra night for me.)

I had to realize that, at the end of the day, I can’t re-imagine my mom’s retirement for her. Take, for example, my mom’s yoga and water aerobics in the mornings. It’s really important to her that she attends those classes: It keeps her healthy and mentally centered. So, if I’m asking for babysitting during those times, I’m throwing her whole day off. Now, I try to think of her schedule before making certain plans to ensure she’s open to watching my son. And if it’s something I know I need—or want—to do, and it falls during a time she’s busy, I’m prepared to pay for the help I need.

So, although you’re new to the area, start building up a Rolodex of people you can call (and pay) to help you out. I’m now in a new city myself, and I’ve found great, reliable people by asking around my network and through services such as Care.com. (Also, check with your job’s human resources department for any caretaking benefits. One of my previous employers offered free Care.com hours as part of our benefits—paying for a certain number of days of care.)

You probably are asking for too much in your in-laws’ eyes, but that doesn’t mean you’re being ungrateful. Appreciate what time and effort they can offer you and your family. Try to let go of what “should’ve been.” Then shift your focus to building the support team you need.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My parents were miserable for the course of their 43 years of marriage and only remained together for financial reasons. Several months ago, my grandmother passed away, leaving a sizeable estate. Now economically secure, my mother is in the process of divorcing my father.  My husband and I have a 4-year-old son who is used to seeing his grandparents at the same time and visiting them at their place (which is being sold). How do we explain my parents’ divorce to him in a way he can understand but won’t cause him to become fearful that we are splitting up?

—It Didn’t Work for Nana and Pop-Pop

Dear It Didn’t Work for Nana and Pop-Pop,

Your 4-year-old might not connect your parents’ divorce to your marriage at all. I would keep your explanation very simple: “Grandma and Grandpa are going to be living in different homes, but we will still be visiting both, and they both still love you so much. Want to get them housewarming gifts? We can surprise them!”

Just remember that with a child this young, it will only become a big deal if you make it a big deal. What he might be most curious about are the logistics of visits because that’s probably most important to him: Where will he be hanging out with two of his favorite people now? And if, for some reason, he does ask if you and your spouse are moving or splitting up, simply reassure him that all three of you are staying put.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

How do I get my 8-year-old to shower? Every night, shower time devolves into crying, screaming, and fits. I feel like I’ve tried everything to motivate them, but it never works. I almost always end up resorting to making threats of taking away privileges, and I hate that.

—Help!

Dear Help,

Your 8-year-old’s aversion to showering might be sensory-based. It’s really common! You didn’t say he didn’t like baths, so it might mean that he needs those instead of showers for now. In a bath, he can control how much of his body is dipped at a time, and all of the water isn’t coming at him at once. If you have a detachable shower head, it might also be better to allow him to sit in the bath and use the shower head to control where the water goes. If you don’t have a bathtub, maybe try a shower seat. He would still be able to control the water. For some of us, that big blast of water feels great and relaxing! But that’s not true for everyone.

When my son was little, he hated showers but loved baths—specifically baths that were in jacuzzi tubs because he liked the bubbles. (Both my mom and dad had those kinds of tubs at their houses, so he got used to it.) I bought this bubble-making bath mat for my house to make bathtime more enjoyable. I also started adding in lavender bath bombs and using the Dr Teal’s kids sleep line of bath products, and he soon started to really love this time of day because he realized it could relax him, too!

—Arionne

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