My sister and her wife are divorcing. They’re telling their kids it’s mutual, but I want to tell mine the truth.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m hoping you can help me navigate a tricky extended-family situation. My sister and her wife are in the midst of a difficult divorce. As suggested by a therapist, to maintain a close relationship between both soon-to-be exes and their 6-year-old, their message to him has been unified—that this is a decision Mommy and Mommy have made together and that no one is to blame. But this isn’t true! My sister’s wife is to blame, for cheating on her and bailing on their marriage.
My children are older than hers, and it galls me to tell my teenagers some feel-good bullshit that suggests my sister is equally culpable. I think they’re old enough to handle hearing from their mom that their aunt screwed up. Even though my sister and her son live in our city, I think my kids can see their cousin without contradicting him if I explain the situation. Do I have to stick to the official story, or can I tell them the truth?
—Her Cheatin’ Heart
Dear HCH,
Tell them marriage is complicated and parenting is forever. “The truth” is something that will never be 100 percent in your reach. It is not acceptable for your kids to tell younger children potentially hurtful information against their parents’ wishes. Should you wish to tell your teens that you blame your sister’s wife, that’s your call, but you’d better be confident your teens are capable of more discretion than the average teen, who will spread hot goss with zero provocation. Or think of it this way: If your sister can rise above her wounded feelings to focus on the well-being of her kid, I think you need to rise above your less-wounded feelings to extend him the same courtesy.
—Nicole Cliffe
From: How Can I Get My Kid to Stop Cosleeping With Me? (January 24th, 2018).
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Dear Care and Feeding,
How can I get my 5-year-old to stop complaining about every little bump and bruise, including those that don’t exist? Tiny paper cuts become something she’ll whine about for days. Recently she complained about her ear hurting, only to have the doctor tell us she was perfectly fine. I’m getting increasingly frustrated, not to mention wondering how I’ll ever determine whether she actually is sick or in pain. I recognize that a lot of it comes from wanting attention. But still—how do I stop her from doing this?
—Psychosomatic Toddler
Dear PT,
Give your daughter a ranking system. Tell her that if something is bothering her and a hug or a kiss can fix it, then it’s a 1. If something is bothering her and a hug and a kiss and story time on your lap can fix it, then it’s a 2. But if something is bothering her and a hug, kiss, and story still won’t make it better, then that’s a 3 and you may have to go to the doctor. This will allow her to put her needs in order for herself, rather than making you do it alone.
There is, of course, the chance that if she really likes the drama and attention of going to the doctor, then she will lean too heavily on the 3’s. If you are suspicious of her rankings, do the hug, the kiss, and the story, and tell her you can’t go now but will find a time soon to go. Then wait a day. Chances are if it’s not serious she will have forgotten all about it. And if it is serious, you will know. Her entire behavior will tell you, not just her words. Good luck, and remember: She won’t be 5 forever.
—Carvell Wallace
From: How Do I Convince My Son I Still Love Him When He’s Been Taken Away From Me?(March 21st, 2018).
Dear Care and Feeding,
My in-laws are lovely people, but in the past few years they have become obsessed with weight, weight loss, and fad diets to stave off diabetes. This has led to them commenting on the bodies of everyone they encounter, and fat-shaming. I am really uncomfortable with this because it can be hurtful to me, and especially because I don’t want my kids (girls, 10 and 3) to absorb these ideals about bodies. I want to talk to my in-laws about this, but I’m stuck on what to say and how to say it. They love to say they are just worried about our health. How can I shut down endless body shaming, without seeming oversensitive or rude?
—In-Laws Are Weighing In
Dear ILAWI,
If you are overly sensitive or rude, that’s your problem. If you seem overly sensitive or rude to your in-laws, well, then that’s their problem and you certainly shouldn’t alter your behavior as a result. Like most “How do I tell these adults this thing” questions, the answer is: You tell them. So, if you are concerned that such talk in the presence of your growing girls can be damaging, then you can say, “This talk in front of our growing girls can be damaging. So please stop.” And you’d be on good footing because the American Academy of Pediatrics is in full agreement. If indeed what they’re worried about is your health, then you can tell them that while you appreciate their concern, that’s what you have a physician for and the two of you are doing your best to make sure your health is up to code.
The concern about diabetes is, of course, a real one, but as a general rule, nagging people about their eating and health only succeeds in making them feel shitty. It is much better to focus on a healthy lifestyle rather than sitting around calling people fat, so let your in-laws take your kids to the park, on a long walk, or for a foot race outside. If they’re not actually physically putting their bodies where their judgments are, then all they’re really doing is bringing negativity, and who needs more of that?
If you haven’t already, it’s probably time to start talking with your 10-year-old about gender and body stereotypes in the media. While your in-laws probably aren’t helping, they are far from ground zero for this problem. I believe that you can be honest (though not obsessive) with kids about this issue. Watching media with them and occasionally pointing out how there are physical expectations enforced and how those are out of line with reality can do a lot to plant the necessary critical thinking they will need to draw upon later in life. No need to bash everything they watch—that only makes them resent you and think the thing you hate must be cool somehow—but you can gently, consistently point things out.
This always comes up with in-law questions, but one more thing I’d ask you to consider: Shouldn’t your partner be speaking to their folks about this? If there is some reason why not, then fine. But in most normal cases a difficult-to-hear message comes much easier from a blood relative than from the spouse of one. That may not be fair, but it’s true. If possible, let your partner deal with their people, and you can focus on dealing with your girls.
—C.W.
From: How Do I Explain Death to a Toddler? (May 9th, 2018).
More Parenting Advice From Slate
We recently had a picnic with another couple and their 15-month-old. My 2-year-old son was sitting with me and did something cute, so I pulled out my phone to get a quick pic, and my son was delighted to see himself and me on the selfie screen. At the same time, the other baby came toddling up behind us to investigate, and I thought it might make her smile too, so I held up the phone for her and did the “look at that cute baby!” routine.
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