I’m dating a younger man. His … inexperience is vexing me.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

I’m a 46-year-old, bisexual woman who is 10 years older than my partner. I have a ton more experience and kinks than him.

I’ve had to let the kinks go because it’s not in his nature. He’s also small compared to previous partners. He doesn’t have a micro penis, but it’s below average. You could say I was a size queen, as I used to only look for partners on the large end of the spectrum before I met him. I was also non-monogamous for five years before him. I had girlfriends, boyfriends, threesomes, and moresomes. It’s been eight years, and there’s no kink, no women, only one threesome, and a small penis.

I’m sad about all of this all the time. The sex is OK, and he puts in so much effort, but I miss the feeling of a larger penis. I love to give oral (so does he), but it’s a bummer that I can’t even use my hands and mouth at the same time. I can’t give him the full experience. I don’t try to have threesomes because I’m embarrassed by his size, and he would not be OK if I dated other men. I plan to be with him for the rest of my life; he is the best person I’ve ever met. However, right now, it’s me and my magic wand against the world. I don’t want him to feel like I have to use it every time.

Is there hope for me? How can I stop thinking about other, bigger penises all the time? I’m somewhat OK without BDSM, but I need something. I also find myself craving a relationship with a woman. We don’t have sex very often, which might contribute to the whole situation. Lastly, I’m conventionally attractive and get flirted with all the time. That does not help. I wish I weren’t experienced and “freaky.”

—Crushed and Kinky

Dear Crushed and Kinky,

There’s plenty of hope in several different directions. Our ability to control our thoughts is pretty limited, and mostly relies on mindfulness or actively thinking about something we want to think about instead of trying to push away the thoughts we hope to avoid.

With direct answers to your questions out of the way, I have to point out: You sound pretty miserable. If you simply needed a place to vent, I’m happy we could provide that, and encourage you to consider who you might be able to trust to be that place for you in the future. You’ll want a friend who doesn’t know your partner, or at least isn’t socializing with them extensively, and who is able and willing to hold these frustrations without sharing them around town.

Are you attracted to your partner? Your letter contained an extensive list of ways his physical attributes turn you off, and then a statement about him being the best person you’ve ever met, so I’m left wondering whether there’s anything about him that does turn you on but that you didn’t include.

If you aren’t attracted to him at all, in the sexual sense, could that be contributing to the infrequency of the sex you have together? I’m also wondering whether your description of kink as “not in his nature” means that you’ve made an assumption, and whether there might be more wiggle room there than you think. Have you given him the chance to decide for himself whether he’s up for any of the aspects of BDSM that you’re missing? Reading between the lines a little, men who are respectful, solicitous, and follow their female partners’ leads outside the bedroom often make great male doms with a bit of encouragement and support. What we might see as a man’s “nature” lending itself to sexual dominance can sometimes be an alpha identity or a more explicit tendency to be abusive. Give that some thought.

Meanwhile, how much of your decision to stay with this partner is based on ideas about monogamy and vanilla sex being more “normal” or “better,” or in fear that you’ll never find a human as great as this one again, and, therefore, should rearrange yourself to keep him? If any of that resonates, spend some time with the friend I suggested you talk with up top, or with a sex-positive therapist, working toward a clearer understanding of what you actually need and want. It absolutely might be the case that you stick with your choice to forgo the extremely novel and varied sex life you used to have. Regardless, I think you’ll have an easier time living with your decision if you’re thorough about arriving at one.

Dear How to Do It, 

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for a little under two months now, and I think this could be a lasting relationship. However, I have one problem with him: His dick is GIGANTIC. It’s both a length problem and a girth issue—it’s nearly as thick around as a soda can. Penis-in-vagina sex is possible for us, but it takes a ton of foreplay and lube to make it happen. Much of the time, I don’t orgasm outside of non-penetrative sex because it feels like I’m being stretched to the breaking point. Is there some way I can loosen myself up so we can make this work physically?

—Too Much of a Good Thing

Dear Too Much of a Good Thing,

Usually, I recommend the Ohnut for length difficulties, and I do think it’s still worth a try in your case, but nearly soda can level circumference might be beyond what the device can accommodate.

Girth is a little more complicated than length. First, foreplay is fantastic regardless. Ideally, this foreplay includes at least one adequate-to-great orgasm for you, as that tends to help with relaxing the vaginal canal. You also might try very slow penetration at first, or even entering without thrusting at all, to give your body time to adjust.

Speaking of time, you’ve only been having sex with this man for a few weeks, so your body might do some adjusting of its own over the next few months. And you can work on letting the muscles in your pelvic floor relax. Try breathing techniques that encourage physical relaxation, and visualizing your body opening, until you find something that works for you or get fed up with the process. But do give each practice more than a single cursory attempt. Most likely, you’ll need a combination of these tactics.

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Dear How to Do It, 

My husband and I used to frequently hold porn viewing parties that would inevitably lead to an orgy. We enjoyed this for many years, but once we had our first kid, we stopped.

We have two kids now (both under 5), and my husband has been eager to return to our old pastime. I really do not want to do this. Not only am I regularly left drained from dealing with two very young children, but the idea of a sex party taking place in an area where my kids play doesn’t sit well with me, no matter how good a job I might do of cleaning it. I haven’t given my husband a definitive answer on whether we will resume, but I know he’s going to be crushed when I tell him this is a chapter in our lives that I want to remain closed. Any advice on how to break it to him?

—Party’s Over

Dear Party’s Over,

You list some reasons that you want sex parties to permanently cease, but they’re based on temporary circumstances and logistics that could be pretty easily mitigated. Your kids are going to get older and require less minute-by-minute care. They’ll start going to school for large portions of every weekday and participating in activities that don’t require your supervision in their free time. In a decade and a half, they’ll probably be out of the home entirely.

You could attend orgies organized by other people, or at locations outside your home. If you go to your husband with explanations for your decision that are fairly easy to work around, he’s almost certainly going to have hope that you’ll change your mind when the kids are older or if he finds a way to throw the party elsewhere. If you’re done with orgies for other reasons, get clear on that before you broach the subject with your husband and be prepared to share those reasons—even if it’s simply that you’re done and aren’t sure why.

As for how to break it to him, choose a calm moment where you have privacy and be direct. Something like, “I know you really want this, and I need to tell you that I don’t want it anymore.”

—Jessica

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