I’m Dying to Try Group Sex. One, Little, Terrifying Thing Is Holding Me Back.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I have always been curious about group sex. I’ve dabbled in the world of Feeld lately, and have received some interest from hot men for potential threesomes/more and have been tempted to try it but something keeps holding me back. I’m so afraid of feeling like the odd one out or the less enticing person in the party. It’s an insecurity I would say I have in many areas of life beyond sex—I often feel like the one who gets left out in the friend group or the social gathering and I’m so afraid of feeling rejected in that way in a sexual context. Is there a way to protect against that? Am I completely off base to even worry that someone would inevitably get left out, and that someone would be me? I just don’t want to walk away from something that was supposed to be really hot, feeling like I didn’t get picked again.

—Group Project

Dear Group Project,

The fear of being left out is so common it must be up there with fears of heights and snakes. This can be especially pronounced in vulnerable situations like sex, when rejection feels that much more personal as a result of what has been revealed (your body, your desires, etc.). However, when it comes to pursuing sex, rejection is always a possibility, and that’s how it has to be. People must have the ability to revoke consent at any moment for whatever reason, and the hurt feelings of those who are denied is merely collateral. It can suck, but you know what makes it suck less? Being rejected! You get used to it. You see that it’s not really a big deal, that it’s often not personal, and that you’ll live to see another dick. It can actually be character-building and I think it would be a good thing for you to experience.

If you can’t bear the thought of being rejected, I don’t think you should be on Feeld or any app for that matter—it’s just a matter of time before you find yourself enormously disappointed. Working through this fear of rejection via means other than exposure could also benefit you. For example, you may want to talk to a therapist about your strong feelings here.

However, I do think that your fear in the context you wrote about is somewhat overblown. You are afraid of being left out of group sex that you will have coordinated. While it is true that interacting on apps and in person are two very different modes of communication, you can assume that people are going to be showing up because you have attracted them via what you look like, what you’re offering, and your overall vibe. When people leave their house to have sex (or open their home to host it), they want to have a good time. No one is joining in this group with the objective of leaving you out—that would contradict the point of getting together in the first place. You can help safeguard against being left out, though, by enlisting only straight guys to participate. I don’t think it would be wrong of you to say that you want to be the focus and so all action should involve you. I know gay bottoms that take this approach to group sex/gangbangs and it works out for them. This is one situation where it’s really OK to express your selfishness. I think a lot of guys will just find that hot.

Dear How to Do It,

I am a 48-year-old man, and for the last year I thought I was suffering from ED, but it turns out that I just can’t get it up for my wife anymore.  When it comes to porn, I’m back in business. What can I do to rekindle the flame with her?

—Rising to Every Occasion but the Right One

Dear Rising to Every Occasion but the Right One,

Your assessment sounds right—usually when erectile dysfunction is situational (that is, you can get hard in some situations but not others), it’s regarded as being a psychologically rooted issue (as opposed to a physiological one as a result of, say, diabetes). That said, you are 48 and it’s likely that your testosterone levels aren’t what they used to be. If you aren’t regularly seeing a doctor/getting bloodwork, now’s the time.

Rekindling could look like a lot of things. If you are having wood issues with your wife, she must be noticing and so a conversation may be useful. It’s common in long-term relationships for desire to wane—Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity (my go-to recommended read for these types of situations) explores how closeness is often at odds with eroticism. It wouldn’t be surprising at all if your wife were having similar issues. If you can have an honest (but considerate!) conversation about the underwhelming state of your sex life, you can begin a collaboration to get things back on track. This might mean trying things (like kink, toys, and roleplay) that you’ve been curious about but have been too timid to ask for. It might mean exploring consensual non-monogamy. It might mean putting into practice some of the distancing techniques that Perel writes about (such as moving your sex outside of your home to, say, a hotel with some kind of regularity). It might mean something as simple as enjoying porn together instead of watching it alone. It might mean ongoing conversations and/or enlisting the help of a couples counselor or sex therapist/coach.

Your letter is phrased as though this is your issue that you want to resolve yourself. It’s noble to take responsibility, but you aren’t in this alone and in fact, you’re going to have a much better shot at success if you work with your wife here. The initial conversation may not be easy, but the process should be much smoother with her participation.

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Dear How to Do It,

I got my lower right leg amputated almost three years ago (diabetes). Well, they might as well have cut off another organ. My erections are much less frequent and not the same as they used to be. I don’t think I can get hard enough for penetration (haven’t tried). Pills do nothing. Yet I still think about sex a lot, so the drive is there. Is this normal?

—Lost a Leg and a Dick

Dear Lost a Leg and a Dick,

Sexual dysfunction is common in people who have undergone limb amputation. In a 2015 study of people with a limb amputation in the Netherlands, the intro/review of previous literature points out that post amputation, people “may be confronted with a variety of sexual problems, such as problems with arousal and/or orgasm, due to both the physical and/or psychological consequences of a limb amputation.  Furthermore, depression, (sexual) performance anxiety and an altered body image may influence the amputee’s sexual adjustment. Moreover, pain related to the amputation and medication use (to treat this pain) may also affect both sexual interest and activity.” There is a lot stacked against you, and one of the findings of this study’s survey was that there was very little discussion of sexuality during the rehabilitation process. Again, this was a study of Dutch subjects, but it’s hard to believe that elsewhere is doing much better to support these patients. In this study, 56 percent of participants reported at least one sexual problem and 20 percent reported sexual dysfunction(s). The problems included sexual desire (31 percent), sexual arousal (25 percent), and orgasm (21 percent).

A more recent study from 2018 of only people with lower limb amputations found that only half were sexually active, and of that group, about 60 percent were sexually dysfunctional. The study’s authors highlighted the need for psychological and psychosexual assessment and intervention after amputation. “Depression, anxiety and body image issues were significantly associated with sexual dysfunction in the current sample of individuals with lower limb amputation,” they wrote.

So yes, it’s hardly surprising that your erections aren’t what they used to be. Diabetes, also, can have detrimental effects on erection quality. You have tried pills, but you may need to look into other options like injectable ED meds (like Trimix) or even an implant. Have you been to therapy or sex coaching regarding your amputation and/or sexual dysfunction? That might also be helpful. You should search for a provider who specifically deals with amputation that is near you or otherwise reachable. You may also want to think about expanding your definition of sex to incorporate things that don’t require an erection—toys, roleplay, forms of BDSM and kink, dressing up, even talking dirty. Don’t give up on your search for a reliable erection, but this is an opportunity to think beyond that and to enter a realm that many take for granted.

In the meantime, some community may help. There are subreddits like r/amputee that would allow you to share your issues and hear from others who have gone through the same thing. (Here is one such thread about the effect of amputation on one’s sex life.) You shouldn’t be dealing with this alone, nor do you have to.

—Rich