I’m a new dad again. Yay—except it’s turned me into a sexual zombie.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I recently had our second child (and last, we agreed). I am experiencing a totally new feeling: sexual emptiness. I feel like since the reproductive act has been completed, there is very little left to be interested in sexually. We’ve always had an intense but intermittent sex life, with me being the one taking initiative and pushing boundaries and my wife being scarcely available and allowing some of my fantasies to become true. It took a decade for my sexual enthusiasm to slowly fade, however sex always felt fun at least up until now. The new baby is here and I feel like it’s pointless to pursue and engage in sexual activities. I haven’t lost fantasies and desires but it’s all feeling very muffled. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to move past this moment and find a new approach to sex?

—Undertone

Dear Undertone,

It is definitely common for parenthood to derail sex for at least a period of time. If you watched your wife give birth, that could have something to do with your apathy, as depressing as that is. Also, the burdens of raising an infant can sap people of their will to do … well, just about everything. This may be an issue that you just need to give some time to in order to see improvement.

Beyond that, I think your current task is to attempt to untangle potential personal issues from relationship issues. Some guys’ libidos start to lag in their 40s (or even earlier). Sometimes this seems to be related to hormonal happenings (like decreased testosterone, which could be directly linked to fatherhood, according to some data). If I were you, I’d definitely get tests performed to see if there is anything happening on a biological level. You also express a level of grievance regarding your wife and her participation in your sex life. Is there stuff there to work through in counseling/sex therapy? Perhaps it would be helpful to get to the root of what’s happening, whether it’s related to the recent birth of your second child, something physiological, or a cooling off in your sexual relationship with your wife, which is typical of long-term relationships and may require some strategic distancing like that which Esther Perel recommends in Mating in Captivity. Perhaps it is some or all of these factors in concert. Each one will require different approaches, which is why someone working directly with you and your wife would be especially useful in your case.

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve found myself in love with a new man. Words do not describe how much better this world is with him in it. We are both highly sexual beings and our chemistry is what I’ve dreamed of. What’s interesting though, is that he has a more average-sized dick than what I’m used to (which I’m honestly obsessed with since we can have sex for hours—my previous partners were bigger and it would hurt after too long).

That said, I can’t seem to orgasm, either from penetrative sex or from deep clitoral grinding (both of which are tried and true for me). I am deeply at a loss. Is it because of his size? Something else I’m not clocking? We can go for so long and I’m used to having multiple orgasms in short sessions. He is talented with mouth and fingers, so that’s nice but … I just don’t know.

—Baffled and Obsessed but Miss My Os

Dear Baffled and Obsessed but Miss My Os,

There is certainly a possibility that he’s just not hitting your spot the way bigger dicks from your past have. It’s encouraging, though, that you are “honestly obsessed” with his dick and want to have sex with him for hours despite the lack of penetrative orgasms. Maybe you take a note from Bottled Up below and learn to appreciate the journey over the destination. From what it sounds like, you’re well on your way. You say your new guy is talented with his mouth and fingers—does that mean you are orgasming from oral/manual sex? It is not at all uncommon for people to be able to come from one form of sex and not another. I understand your puzzlement over an apparent change potentially related to his dick size, but look: Find orgasms where you can. If he’s getting you off in some ways and you appreciate all the ways that you sexually engage with him, well, it sounds like you have a near-perfect situation.

One thing you might try introducing is toys. Perhaps a vibrator would provide more clitoral stimulation during sex that could push you over the edge. A dildo of a size that you’re more accustomed to could theoretically give you the vaginal orgasms you crave. Introducing toys can be a dicey prospect for some partners, who may feel like they are being judged as lacking as a result, but if he’s generally game and his ego is sturdy, you can suggest this merely as a way to spice things up. If you have reliable ways to orgasm when you masturbate, you may want to consider introducing them as well. If you feel free enough to do so in bed without much conversation, that bodes well for your overall connection.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m a middle-aged cis man, recently divorced and dating again. A familiar problem has returned: I take forever to get off. With my ex, we were able to get to a place where I could reliably orgasm during a healthy session (40 to 60 minutes) because we had figured out what worked and I felt comfortable. With new partners, it’s just not happening. I’m mostly fine with maintaining an erection but can’t get myself over the orgasmic hump. I remember this from my 20s and think it has something to do with a mix of anxiety and physical insensitivity. It’s not a huge deal for me, since I’ve learned to enjoy the journey and not just the destination, but it seems deflating to my partner. It’s worth noting that I’ve abused porn in the past and have basically sworn off both porn and masturbation these days. Any thoughts on ways to bring myself to a quicker orgasm, especially during PIV sex?

—Bottled Up

Dear Bottled Up,

This is tough! Delayed orgasm (DO)—the condition that you seem to be experiencing—is not easily treated. Appreciating the journey and not the   destination would be my primary piece of advice and you’re already there. Perhaps it might be useful to have a discussion with partners assuring them that you actually enjoy your marathons and aren’t nearly as concerned with your orgasm as they are. It’s great to be considerate and care about what your partner cares about, but you might invest a little bit less in what amounts to an irrational concern.

Another bit of advice usually given here is to reduce porn use/masturbation, but you’re already doing that as well. I showed your letter to my go-to urology source, Charles Welliver, director of men’s health in the department of urology at Albany Medical College, who replied via email that he felt that he’d figured out the issue until the end of your letter, when you mentioned your masturbation/porn abstinence. Foiled again!

Welliver said that he’d inquire as to whether or not you are on SSRIs, which can cause delayed orgasm, and he’d also potentially prescribe cabergoline, a medicine that works on the brain’s dopamine receptors and is typically prescribed to treat high prolactin levels. It can sometimes speed things up. (In Welliver’s experience, it has around a 50 percent success rate.) He has heard of others using oxytocin intranasal spray, but like the rest of the off-label medicines sometimes used to treat delayed orgasm (bupropion and amphetamine/dextroamphetamine [Adderall], among them), the data is scant. What you’re experiencing isn’t necessarily in need of a medical solution, though—especially considering that, as you said, this isn’t really a problem for you. I’m just letting you know what’s out there.

You could also take this as an opportunity to explore. Sometimes new stimulation or scenarios can change orgasm time. If there’s anything you find hot but haven’t yet experienced, now’s the time. Prostate stimulation, in particular, can reliably speed up orgasm for some guys, and that can be achieved as easily as wearing a prostate massager (like the kind Aneros makes) during sex.

You can read a more detailed breakdown on the research on DO in this past column. Some other potential paths to consider are getting your thyroid levels checked (hypothyroid patients often experience DO) as well as sex therapy (which may or may not involve penile vibratory stimulation, which has a bit of data showing improvement in anorgasmic men). Delayed orgasm may be difficult to address, but it’s not impossible, so have hope and don’t let your concerns get in the way of the good time you’re already having.

—Rich

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