All my friends have nannies for their babies. They say it’s cheaper than daycare, but I don’t care.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a new mom to a very sweet 3-month-old boy. I am lucky to work somewhere with a very generous (for the U.S.) parental leave policy, and am preparing to go back to work when my baby will be 4 months old. I’m looking into childcare options, and feel torn. In our area, daycare is very expensive (everything is expensive), and hiring a nanny will be more affordable. This is very surprising to me, but that’s how the numbers seem to be working out. Because of this, I’m feeling a lot of pressure to hire a nanny. Most of the moms on the local mom board I’ve joined seem to have nannies, and both of my friends that already have babies have nannies, too. When I told them I’m trying to decide what to do, they looked at me like I was insane and said that hiring a nanny was a no-brainer.

But I am feeling strongly that I would rather have him in daycare. I am so stressed about the idea of finding and hiring the right person, and trusting them, and being their employer. Being able to trust that the daycare has hired and trained safe and competent people sounds so much better to me, and so does being able to drop my baby off and pick him up! (I have a remote job, and we have a small apartment—I’d rather have him out of the house during my work day—being able to hear him on calls sounds very stressful to me.)

My husband also thinks going with a nanny is the obvious choice, since our baby will get one person watching him all day, in our home, and we will save money. But he also say he will defer to me, though I know he thinks I’m overthinking this. He tends to stress about money more in our relationship, so I know if I do choose the more expensive option, the burden will be on him, and I do feel bad about that. But I just don’t know if it’s worth it. Do you have any advice on how to make this decision?

—New Mom

Dear New Mom,

I surely do have advice on how to make this decision—listen to your gut! You don’t want to be someone’s employer, and there’s no arguing with that. Don’t make yourself do something you know you don’t want to do just because everyone else is doing it. And you husband has said it’s your choice—don’t second guess him on that. It’s your choice! You choose daycare.

Also I am going to gently push back on everyone’s assertion that hiring a nanny is cheaper than daycare. How much are they paying their nannies? Are they paying their healthcare? Are they playing employer taxes? Are they paying paid time-off? I bet the answer there is “no,” and that the reason everyone is “saving” so much money is that they are paying sub-par wages under the table and no benefits. That’s not smart budgeting, that’s exploitation and gambling with risk. If you want the real cost of a nanny, call a nanny agency in your area and get the numbers from them.

There is a very good mantra I learned early in my own parenting journey, and I am delighted to share it with you now: “Good for her, not for me.” Good for all those moms on the mom boards who are happy with their nannies! Good for your friends who are happy with their nannies! But you know in your gut that a nanny is not for you, so good for you, too. Congratulations on your sweet baby. Sign him up for daycare.

—Logan

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