2 Things You Shouldn’t Tell Your Partner, According To A Psychologist

Honesty is a virtue to live by, regardless of whether you’re in a relationship. For couples, however, it can feel especially vital. Transparency and openness are often cited as the single most important things two partners can strive for; it’s the supposed glue that holds everything else together. And in many ways, this is true. You can’t build even half of a foundation of a healthy relationship without at least a baseline of honesty.

That said, if complete, unwavering honesty was indeed always the best policy, sayings like “some things are better left unsaid” wouldn’t have survived generations. The truth is that not all honesty is as helpful as we think it is, and, in a similar vein, not all silence is as deceitful as we’ve been led to believe.

Research increasingly suggests that knowing when not to speak can sometimes preserve connection much more safely than brutal honesty ever could. In some scenarios, choosing kindness and tact over “telling it like it is” will serve both you and your partner much, much better.

Here’s what’s perfectly okay to keep to yourself in a relationship, according to psychological research.

1. Bodily Changes

It might feel natural for you to point out a change you’ve recently noticed in your partner’s body. Bringing the bit of weight they’ve gained, the few new wrinkles they’ve developed or the breakout that wasn’t there before to their attention might even seem like a kindness — like you’re helping them look after themselves. After all, we’re told that honesty is part of caring: if you see something, say something.

But when it comes to comments about your partner’s body, even well-intentioned observations can come across as nitpicking.

According to research published in Family, Systems, & Health, around 55% of individuals will leave a conversation about their weight with their romantic partner feeling worse about themselves. Note that this finding was also irrespective of how the conversation was initially framed.

In other words, whether the comment is gentle (“You’ve filled out a little lately”), joking (“Someone’s been enjoying their dessert!”) or supposedly supportive (“Hey, maybe we should start working out together”), the result is still likely to be the same: insecurity, self-consciousness and shame.

Nine times out of ten, whatever change you’ve noticed will not be news to your partner. They live in their body every day of their life, so if you’ve noticed it, then they’ve almost certainly already noticed it, too.

In long-term relationships, physical changes are inevitable. Different seasons of life will beget differences in our bodies: weight fluctuations, gray hairs, looser skin. It’s human, and it’s to be expected. Unfortunately, however, mainstream beauty standards have taught us to view these changes as flaws, rather than pieces of evidence of life unfolding.

For this reason, by drawing attention to a change you’ve noticed , even in the kindest, most casual manner, your partner is still likely to interpret it through that same harsh lens.

So, the next time you catch yourself about to mention a change in your partner’s body, pause. Ask yourself whether what you’re about to say is truly kind. And, more importantly, assess whether or not it’s truly necessary. If, instead, it’s just something you’ve been conditioned to point out then, chances are, your comment won’t be as constructive as you intend it to be.

Because, in reality, those “imperfections” may just tell a lovely story. A little bit of weight gained might simply reflect the comfort and joy of the meals you’ve shared together, made with love. Stretch marks represent your growth together — whether into adulthood, parenthood or simply a new chapter of life. And wrinkles are a map of every smile, laugh and late-night conversation you’ve shared together.

2. Unconstructive Criticism

Contrary to what romcoms and love stories might tell you, it’s totally normal to have a couple things that you don’t particularly like about your partner. They may be wonderful and loving in every other way — except for, perhaps, the way they handle stress, their tendency to procrastinate, the friends they keep or some of their lifestyle choices you think aren’t the best for them.

You might, on the odd occasion or on a particularly hard day, feel tempted to make your dislike for these things known to them. You might even believe that the principle of honesty in your relationship demands it of you. However, there’s a very fine line between being helpfully honest and being needlessly critical.

If what you plan to tell them doesn’t come from a place of genuine desire to help your partner better themselves or their ways, then there’s little to no chance that it will come across as constructive.

For instance, you might think that saying, “You always waste money on things you don’t need,” or, “You really shouldn’t eat that, it’s so unhealthy,” will lead them to make better choices. But in your partner’s eyes, it’s probable that they simply see it as you attacking them, rather than as a useful insight.

As a study published in Behavior Therapy explored, the ways your partner will perceive your criticisms of them can vary greatly. However, this depends very largely on how those criticisms are framed; some forms are much more damaging than others.

The researchers behind the study note that when individuals interpret their partner’s comments as being hostile, they’re also likely to report lower relationship satisfaction and poorer overall well-being. Constructive feedback, on the other hand, is usually paired with reports of a stronger, more stable relationship.

The overarching aim of the study was to uncover why it is that these perceptions differ from one couple to another — and, overall, the findings suggest that it usually comes down to emotional regulation.

Partners who were prone to suppressing their emotions (holding back frustration or masking irritation) were more likely to come across as critical or hostile in their partner’s eyes, even if that wasn’t their intention at the start.

Conversely, those who engaged in cognitive reappraisal (essentially reframing their thoughts before speaking) were much better able to give feedback that was genuinely supportive.

All of this is to say that when you’re driven by irritation instead of empathy, your partner will almost certainly tell the difference in the way it comes out. What may feel to you is “honest” will read to them as judgment. This, in turn, will both knock their confidence and their sense of safety around you.

So, before you share that piece of unsolicited feedback, it’s worth pausing to check in with yourself as to whether you’ll be saying it because you want to help, or, rather, because you just want to be right. If your motivation feels as if it’s leaning toward the latter, then the kinder — and more productive — choice would be to simply let it go.

Although constructive feedback can indeed improve a partner’s well-being, and even the relationship as a whole, unconstructive criticism has the power to do the exact opposite. If you don’t have the capacity to be constructive, then being silent is a kindness. Sometimes, you need to choose your relationship over the fleeting satisfaction you’ll get from being “honest.”

Can you be your truest self in your relationship, without the fear of being criticized or scrutinized? Take this science-backed test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale