Our daughter walked in on the moment that ended my marriage. She isn’t the same.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two kids with my ex-wife, whom I divorced a year ago after I learned she was having an affair. “Layla” is 10; “Sadie,” 14. My ex ended up marrying her affair partner, and Sadie has wanted nothing to do with her mother since then. I can understand this. It was Sadie who came home from a friend’s house earlier than expected and found her mother in bed with her now-stepfather. It was from Sadie that I learned of the affair.

Sadie lives with me full-time (she requested this of the judge who oversaw the divorce). Layla spends 50 percent of her time with her mother. What I am beginning to wonder is whether—despite how much resentment I feel toward my ex—I should attempt to encourage Sadie to reconcile with her mother. Would this be the right thing to do? Or should I continue to respect her wishes?

—Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds

Dear Wounds,

I’m sorry this happened. I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I’m especially sorry Sadie experienced what she did. I understand completely how resentful you feel. But I’m not sure that respecting your elder daughter’s wishes is what’s best for her, long term, in this situation. In fact, I’m not sure that what you’ve been doing so far is only a matter of respecting Sadie’s wishes. After all, it’s only human to be angry with the woman who cheated on you (and perhaps to be even angrier that the person she cheated with is now someone with whom she is presumably happy—embarking on a second life and perhaps eventually a second family).

But your ex-wife is still Sadie’s mother. She’s the only mother she’s got. I think your job here, as hard as it’s going to be, is to help Sadie find her way back to her (through baby steps, maybe). This suggestion presupposes that her mother misses her and wants to have a relationship with her—that she didn’t fight for custody because she didn’t want to put Sadie through any additional trauma, and not because she was glad to be rid of her.  And beyond the eagerness of her mother to forge a new relationship with her, the two of you would have to work in cooperation for the sake of your daughter, who is suffering, even if she may be putting up a good front. Can you do this? Can your ex? (Also: If Sadie is not yet in therapy, I urge you to find a good therapist for her ASAP. That will help too, in the long term.)

I have a true and terrible story to tell you. A dear friend of mine for over 40 years had several kids with his ex, who, years ago, when the older kids were still in their teens, left him and them for another man. At first, the kids wanted nothing to do with her. You’d think he would have “respected their wishes.” And when he told me what he’d decided—after some time had passed, he’d cooled off, and he was able to focus on what his children needed—I was stunned: He bought his ex-wife a house that was big enough for all the kids to be able to visit her. He encouraged them to visit as often as they wanted. He stayed in close touch with his former in-laws. He found a way, eventually, toward a civil relationship with his ex. Most importantly, the kids found their way toward a close and loving relationship with her.

When he first told me what he was doing, I couldn’t decide whether he was a saint (and a martyr!) or had lost his mind. I couldn’t forgive her for what she’d done (nor could I understand it; how does a mother walk away from her children?). But many years have since passed. The children are adults now. They lived with their father until they went off to college. They continued to spend time with their mother, too, and with their maternal relatives, thanks to their father’s efforts. Less than three weeks ago, my friend died—suddenly, in an accident—and even amidst my own shock and grief (which are still fresh as I write this, through tears), one of my first thoughts when his eldest daughter called to tell me the news was that he’d done right by his children, insisting that they have a relationship with their mother, and doing everything he could to support it. I am so glad his children still have a living parent and that they were able to forgive her, with their father’s encouragement and support, long ago.

I don’t tell you this story to make you feel bad about your resentment (believe me, my friend, too, was resentful). I tell it to you to help you keep your eye on the prize, as my late friend was somehow able to do. No harm can come of taking the high road, as rough a road as it may be. It’s certainly worth a try. Thus, I hope you will encourage Sadie to spend time with her mom—at first, just a little, on neutral territory, perhaps—and give her mom, if she’s willing, a chance to reconnect with her.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I often entertain at my home and need advice on how to handle guests who lack basic table manners.

Think double-dipping in shared food, or taking a bite of a dinner roll and then using the roll to swipe up more butter from the shared butter dish (yes, I have provided a butter knife). Dipping a chip in the bowl of queso, then dipping that in the guacamole, then into the salsa, leaving blobs of everything in every bowl, instead of just using the plates/spoons provided to make their own plate of chips and dips. Taking their own personal fork that has been in their mouth and stabbing bites of food off a shared platter. Or my favorite, standing over the charcuterie board and eating off of it like it is their own personal dinner plate, despite the fact that there are small plates/cutlery right next to the board. There is also one individual who will use the serving utensils, but has a need to wipe them off with their thumb and forefinger before setting them down. I’m sorry—I don’t know where your hands have been!

I keep running into this with several friends and family members, and I’m not sure how to correct grown adults when it comes to basic table manners. I’m not a germaphobe, but I’m mildly repulsed by this behavior. No matter how much I do to mitigate this, it just keeps happening!

—Were You Raised in A Barn?

Dear Barn,

I think you need new friends.

But, OK… If you love the friends you have and don’t want to replace them (I’m guessing they must have some positive traits, or you wouldn’t consider them friends), the only advice I have for you is to stop inviting them to dinner. Find another way to socialize with them, one that doesn’t involve food.

If what you really love is entertaining, why not try to make some new friends who do have table manners—you can keep your eye out when you’re at events that feature eating, making a beeline for those who exhibit the manners you crave and befriending them—even as you keep the old ones around. Like the Girl Scout anthem says: Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold—though I don’t get the sense that “golden” is an adjective you’d apply to your current social circle.

We Want to Hear Your Petty Work Drama!

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Dear Care and Feeding,

Last week, my husband, “Patrick,” asked if it would be OK if we watched his 4-year-old twin nephews, “Arthur” and “Aaron,” for the afternoon on Friday while his sister and her husband went to a concert. I said it would be fine. Then, several hours after my sister-in-law and brother-in-law dropped off the kids, Patrick gave me a sheepish grin and said he had told a little white lie: The concert was halfway across the state, and they would be back for Arthur and Aaron on Monday morning.

The result was that I was left doing the bulk of taking care of three kids (we have a 3-year-old of our own) while Patrick hid out in his office, claiming he had some extra work his boss desperately needed to be completed before the weekend was out. I was completely wiped out by the time my in-laws came and picked up the boys. Patrick has apologized and promised he won’t pull anything like that again; he claimed he didn’t want to ask me about it because he knew I would say no. I am furious and feel thoroughly taken advantage of. I told him we aren’t watching his sister’s kids again. He says that’s too harsh. Considering what he did, that’s more than reasonable, right?

—Involuntary Sitter

Dear Involuntary Sitter,

Nah, I wouldn’t do that. Here’s something even more effective: Next time his sister asks you “both” to babysit—or he asks if you “both” can—say sure, then when the nephews arrive, pack up your child and go somewhere else and leave him to do it on his own. Tell him your “yes” was a little white lie, just like his.

Petty? Sure. But it goes right to the heart of the matter, no? It holds the person responsible for your involuntary sitting actually responsible. He’s the one who screwed up, not his sister.

—Michelle

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My husband and I both were raised in households where our dads yelled. While my husband had (and still has) a great relationship with his dad despite this—and sees him as a good role model—I did not have a good relationship with mine. What I mostly remember is trying my best to stay out of his way and walking on eggshells to keep from annoying or antagonizing him.