Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I came from a liberal background where comprehensive sex ed was standard, and I always thought I’d do the same with my kids. But things have changed, and the “talk” I’d always planned isn’t going to cut it anymore.
The current political situation has thrown me for a loop! I was prepared to answer awkward questions, provide condoms and buy Plan B like a good parent, because abstinence-only sex ed is how you end up with teen pregnancy and STDs. But I wasn’t prepared to need to cover burner phones, passports, and abortion bounty hunters! “It’s important to practice safe sex, but if you think you might be pregnant, don’t Google, pay cash for your pregnancy test, and certainly don’t tell your boyfriend because if you decide to go to Mexico to terminate, Border Patrol can search your phone and jail you and your boyfriend can turn you in for a $10,000 reward.” I’d like to think my girls are smart enough to conclude on their own that safe sex isn’t all that safe anymore, but hormones and developing brains don’t always make the best decisions. Do you have any tips for navigating this situation?
—Even Safe Sex Is Dangerous Here
Dear Even Safe Sex,
Tell your daughters the truth, frightening as it may be. If you live in a place where abortion is illegal or severely restricted, then yes, make sure they know not to text about an unwanted pregnancy or to Google ways to terminate; you should also tell them to make sure they can fully trust their partner not to report them before sharing the news. Do your own research on where the nearest state is that provides abortions and how to go about securing care if the need arises. Make sure that your daughters know that sex always carries a risk, but that it is heightened where they live and encourage them to consider that when deciding what to do and where to go after high school. Make condoms available to them and tell them that if they wish to be sexually active, you’ll take them to get on birth control (if, hopefully, it remains available.) Acknowledge that talking to your mother about sex can be absolutely cringe-inducing, but that it would be better to endure some awkward chats than to find themselves in a difficult situation that could be avoided. Encourage them to wait until they are absolutely sure that they are ready to have sex and to only do so with a person who they can trust. Talk to them candidly about how boys often use girls for sex, or go tell others that they’ve been intimate with them. Tell them about the double standards for girls and boys and that while they shouldn’t determine what they choose to do, they may be penalized for simply honoring their desires. Make sure they are aware of what the major sexually transmitted infections are and how to obtain treatment. These are scary times indeed, but the more you share with your girls, the better prepared they will be.
—Jamilah
More Parenting Advice From Slate
I am a very open and honest parent with my inquisitive 8-year-old daughter. We can sometimes have lengthy discussions on a wide range of topics. I try to answer as honestly as possible—within reason, of course, depending on whether it’s appropriate for her to know something just yet. However, I just can’t seem to come up with an appropriate response to: “What is sex?” She has asked twice now. I freeze up and tell her we’ll talk about it when I have time to explain it properly.
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