I can’t stop dumping people. People hate the reason why.

This is part of Breakup Week. We just can’t do this anymore.

Therapy speak is everywhere these days, but it has also given us some helpful new categories to consider during dating that may prove more useful than astrology: attachment styles. Think of these as people’s emotional profiles, which might help explain why they exhibit certain behaviors during relationships and why, if you have a different attachment style, those behaviors might irk you so much. There are four main types—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—but only one of these has given rise to a popular term that describes what it’s like to go through a breakup with that person: the avoidant discard.

An avoidant discard is similar to ghosting, but it’s typically more drawn out. The avoidant might not go radio silent all at once—instead, they may slowly pull back emotionally and physically over time, perhaps by suddenly taking much longer to respond to messages or schedule dates. You can start to feel crazy wondering why someone has suddenly gone cold with you, leading to a unique form of confusing psychological torture. The relationship doesn’t just end—it’s slowly starved, before finally dissolving into a husk. On social media, where avoidant discards are a frequent topic of angry and emotional videos, avoidant discards have been called “a highly traumatic experience” and “the most evil thing you can do.”

To get a sense of how and why avoidants end relationships in this manner, I tracked down someone who self-identifies as one: Lexi, a 26-year-old woman who lives in the U.K. She’s previously answered some questions from users on Reddit about being an avoidant, but I wanted to go deeper. Lexi and I spoke about why she tends to pull back in relationships, what effect this tends to have on the guys she dates, and why, for the most part, she doesn’t feel guilty about any of this. Our conversation has been condensed and edited for clarity.

David Mack: It’s easy to find people online who are happy to label their exes as avoidant discarders. It’s much harder to find someone who gives themself that label. How did you come to see yourself this way?

Lexi: Throughout my life, I’ve been very self-aware. I like to know the reason why I am the way I am. I first came into contact with attachment styles when I went through a breakup myself. I was trying to figure out the other person, but then was like, Wait, I think that’s me. I went down a rabbit hole, and learned that it’s more common for men to be avoidants, rather than women, who tend to be more anxious. But then I started doing therapy, and my therapist agreed it was probably the case that I’m an avoidant. Through my constant relationships—new situations, new people—my therapist saw a pattern of behavior.

How many breakups/discards have you been through in the last few years?

It’s a hard question, because none of them have really been official “breakups,” but I’d say I’ve dated—and ended things with—around 15 to 18 guys.

Tell me about your relationship history. It sounds like one, in particular, was key to unlocking this identity for yourself.

My first relationship was when I was 16, and it ended when I first went to university at 18. He had a job that took him up and down the country all the time. And he lived in Wales, whereas I’m an hour away in England, so it was a very text-based relationship. I went from being very anxious to the opposite. I wouldn’t say he was an avoidant, but we were both comfortable in the arrangement because we knew that we had so much trust for our love together. It went from me being, “I want to see you all the time. I want to text you,” to me being like, “I’m actually quite busy. I’ll talk to you in an hour, or three hours, or a day.” I became really comfortable with it. If I didn’t hear from him for six or eight hours, it wouldn’t bother me. That’s when I developed this thinking of, I don’t need to speak to my boyfriend every day. I don’t need to go back and forth. I can just live my life the way I like and see him sometimes. So it kind of set the baseline for a relationship for me.

We broke up because he was moving countries and I was going to university. When I then went into dating, I had switched into this mindset of it being the same as before. But then you’re dating other people and they’re like, “Come on, you can text me back. You have one hour free. It takes a second.” Or, “What do you mean you want to see me once a week?!” I think people can feel when they’re with an avoidant person. But it doesn’t deter them! They think it’s the hard-to-get thing.

What avoidant behaviors were you exhibiting with these guys you were dating? It sounds like not answering messages, for one.

Yeah, text messages. It’s very hot-and-cold. At first, it’s like I’m love-bombing them, but it’s not intentional. When you meet someone new, even as an avoidant, you’re infatuated with them. So I’ll meet a person and think they’re fun and different, and I’ll want to hang out with them. We’re speaking every day. My phone is getting picked up every second. We’re going back and forth with videos and texts and voice messages. And then you wake up the next day, and you’re like … Meh. Suddenly, it’s not in your mind. You just go about your day.

Is there typically a time span where you find that this part of yourself takes over? Are we talking about a couple of days? A couple of weeks?

It can literally be a day. You can literally go to sleep with this person in your bed and wake up the next morning be like, I actually don’t want to do this anymore.

Are you conscious that it’s happened? Or does it feel more subconscious?

You don’t feel it when it’s coming. You’re not like, Oh, I can feel myself hating this person. It just comes and you’re like, I don’t want to do this anymore.

A prime example: I was seeing this guy I’d known for a couple of years and we were going back and forth. My friend said to me, “You’re changing. You’re more self-aware. You like this guy. You can do this!” So I had him over and he met all the girls. We’re eating food. We’re hanging out like we’ve done a thousand times. But midway through, I’m sitting on my bed and looking at him and I realize, I really don’t want to do this. I need to get out of this. He was probably asking me too many questions, like if I believed that he loved me. I’d just seen him too many times that week: one date, two dinners, and a sleepover. It just became a lot. So I messaged my friends, and one of the sillier ones pretended they’d broken their leg and so I said he had to leave. After that, I was in my bed and I felt at peace. So it’s very on-and-off. You can start the day being like, I’m going to try to make this work! And then at the end, you’re like, Actually, I don’t want to.

As you start to pull back from guys, what kind of feedback are they giving you? I imagine they must feel like they’re going a little crazy.

Weirdly enough, it’s very rare you get pushback. I’ve only got pushback at least three times. Not many guys ask you why. I think women are more like, I want to know the reason. What’s wrong with me? What’s going on? But when it’s with guys, it’ll be like, OK, cut my losses. Move on. They don’t really question you.

But when you do get pushback, does it prompt any self-reflection?

Definitely. Normally, when they ask you why, you don’t know. It depends on what type of pushback you receive, though. If it’s very clear and very formal, it can breed a very honest response. For example, there was a guy I’d been messaging a lot before Christmas and we were making plans, but this year I decided to pull back and my messages started taking a few days. Eventually, after I’d asked why he’d unfollowed me on Instagram, he asked me why I’d pulled back after seeming so keen. I had to tell him that I’d realized that it wasn’t about him, but that dating anyone right now wasn’t on my list of priorities. I’m about to move for work. I gain nothing from dating. He thanked me for that answer.

But when I get emotional pushback is when shit hits the fan. If someone’s like, “You’re hurting my feelings. I’m heartbroken,” that is when you think, No. I’m not doing this. You completely turn off and don’t think you owe them a response.

When avoidants have to meet emotion, they immediately tap out. I’m very similar to that outside of relationships. I’m a lawyer and it’s not an emotional job. When I was a kid, I wasn’t emotional, I wasn’t a hugger. For me to feel empathy, I need logic and reasoning. Like, “Can you list the reasons you want to date me?”

Are you like this with friendships too?

Although I’m wishy-washy with romantic relationships, I’m the opposite in friendships. We almost treat friendships like romantic ones, where it’s like, If you call me, I’ll be there for you.
If you need anything, I’m there. If you want to cuddle or stay in my bed, let’s have a sleepover. Avoidants will go to the end of the world for their friends, but when it comes to doing that with someone romantically, it’s almost the flip side. They’re like, Oh, I’m not capable of doing that.

With friendships, you get everything that a relationship has but with boundaries. My friends won’t be like, I want to be around you all the time. When it comes to relationships, you have so many more expectations from people that you’re in love with.

So, the million-dollar question: What is it about being in a relationship, specifically, that irks you?

Maybe it’s the idea of getting hurt again, like how I felt when my ex moved countries. I think it’s possibly the fear of a lack of individuality, though. Avoidants can be triggered by multiple things, but you don’t like to be relied on because it feels like you’re trapped and there’s nowhere to go. “I need you” is a trigger because I don’t want to be needed.

You wrote on Reddit, “I like the feeling of being loved, but not smothered. But it’s hard to differentiate between the two.”

There is a very thin line. I love that you love me. Who doesn’t love cuddles or the cute honeymoon stage? But then it’s like, You’re texting me all the time. Even when my friends text me and ask me where I am, I hate it. I’m like, Why do they want to know where I am? Why do they want to know when I’m coming home? It’s like I’m losing myself as a person.

Honestly, it depends on who you’re dating. Avoidants only date certain people and only certain people date avoidants. There are some people I’ll try to date and they’ll say no. They’ve got me figured out quickly. But normally, it’s anxious people who get attached to avoidants because they’re chasing something they can’t have.

Do you feel like you’re leaning on your attachment style as a crutch to explain your behavior?

I’d say I don’t lean on it, no. I rarely mention avoidance when ending things with someone. I’ll just limit things to my personality or lack of time. It’s more of an explanation than an excuse.

Have you ever felt guilt about the way you’ve ended things with someone?

It’s a really difficult question to answer. I should feel guilty, but there’s always justifications. A lot of avoidants plant seeds at the start of relationships in order to avoid responsibility later and not feel guilty.

You mean like warning people that you’re a very busy person with a lot on your plate, so if you do ever start pulling back, you have created that cover?

Yeah, we do that a lot. But the guilt doesn’t come from what you’ve done to other people, it comes from what you’ve done to yourself. It’s more like, I’ve lost the cycle. I’ve lost this game.

Do you mean you feel like you’ve let yourself down because you were trying to be different this time?

Yeah, it’s definitely that. Because when we go into relationships, we generally think in our head, Maybe this is the one that stops it. You’re chasing this theory of having just been with the wrong people in the past—that when the right person comes along, you won’t be avoidant. But it doesn’t work like that.

Still, if someone came to me in a calm, collected, logical way and said, “You’ve done this and this and this, and it led to this, and now I feel like this,” it would probably break me.

So are you seeking a long-term relationship in your life? Is that a goal you actually want to work toward?

I really don’t know. I’m just really busy in terms of where I am in my life right now.

Do you want to change your attachment style?

Yeah. This year, I’ve got some resolutions for my avoidant behavior. I’m trying to hug my friends. If I have time, I’ll try to respond to their texts. But for now, I’m not dating anymore. I’m not trying to actively hurt anybody, because I know how this goes.

You’ve been very honest about your faults. Is there anything you want us to know about you that we might not understand?

It’s not a me-versus-you phenomenon; It’s a me-versus-me. Our intentions aren’t evil. We’d never want to purposefully hurt someone. It just feels like survival.

To be blunt: Are you a selfish person? Do you see this as selfish behavior?

Yes. I think it’s the most selfish thing you could do to somebody.

Then, and I apologize for how harsh this will probably sound, but, why should anyone date you? Given everything you’ve told me about yourself, that you say you’re selfish, that you don’t particularly want a long-term relationship, and that you value friends over partners, should anyone date you?

No! I wouldn’t date me.

I’ve had situationships that have been healthy, but I don’t know why I can’t commit to some nice guys, but not other guys. In November, for example, I was dating a lovely guy and I was smitten. I was baking and I was cooking him steaks. He met my sister and my friends. I thought, This is it. But I couldn’t say what was different about him from other nice guys I’d dated.

So what happened?

He ended it! Maybe he was my karma, but it just kind of dried out. He got really busy and he stopped texting.

You met another avoidant!

You know what? I think I did! I think we came face-to-face! I think I met my match.

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