I’m about to try a popular, risky sex act. I’m bracing myself for the fallout.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend and I have noticed something more and more in mainstream porn. We’d like to try it, but we’ve always been told how unsafe it is.
We’ve noticed there’s more and more “ass to pussy.” How do the women who do it in porn do it? Do they gobble antibiotics? Do they have secrets for cleaning out really well? Do they just suffer with infections for the sake of a paycheck? Or is it not really as unsafe as we’re told?
—A2P
Dear A2P,
I don’t think the best question here is how adult performers with vaginas mitigate the risks of transferring anal bacteria to those vaginas. Everyone has their own tricks and tips. Many of these methods are medically unsound. Adult is pretty crucial to the adult film industry—there are mountains of paperwork to prove that everyone is of age—so performers are considered able to weigh the risks, the financial pressures, and their own boundaries to make their own decisions. Much like you and your girlfriend.
Dr. Stacy De-Lin, the associate medical director at Planned Parenthood, has the answer to your last and most relevant question: “Unfortunately, transitioning from anal penetrative sex directly to vaginal penetrative sex can lead to vaginal infections. It’s important to understand that while the vagina has lots of bacteria, the GI tract has much more bacteria and different bacteria that shouldn’t be present in the vagina, and this can lead to infections in the vagina that can be difficult to treat.” The risks are significant: “In worst case scenarios, an infection of this time can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease, which is when a vaginal infection progresses to the uterus or fallopian tubes.” Pelvic inflammatory disease can cause permanent damage, including fertility problems.
There are some ways you can mitigate this, but most aren’t all that helpful. “Things like anal douching before anal sex or washing fingers, toys, or penis after anal sex can reduce this risk, and help might avoid an infection every time, but the infection risk is still high,” De-Lin said. Since I expect the lure of something risky, or forbidden, or whatever it is that interests you about inserting your penis into your girlfriend’s vagina directly after being in her asshole, is strong enough for you to write in, I’m hoping De-Lin’s last suggestion will suffice: “The best bet is to use a new condom when transitioning from anal to vaginal sex, or make sure that the progression is from vaginal to anal instead.”
—Jessica Stoya
From: My Girlfriend and I Can’t Help but Notice the Rise of a Certain Act in Adult Videos. (April 20, 2022).
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m recently out of a long-term relationship that was also long-distance for about a year. Whenever I would see my partner in person, we rarely had sex unless we had been drinking. I chalked this up to the stress of traveling, the stress in the relationship, etc. Now that I’ve left the relationship and am dating again, I’m finding that I still have a hard time getting over the nerves of sleeping with someone without alcohol. I’m bisexual and have noticed this showing up no matter the gender of the person I’m on a date with. I otherwise have a healthy relationship with alcohol and drinking culture. I’m 28 and sloppy drunk first-time hookups feel juvenile now, but how the hell am I supposed to get there?
—Too Old For This
Dear Too Old For This,
It seems like you’ve tried hooking up without the hooch, and I’m wishing I had more information about how that has played out in the past. Did you refrain from going home together? Did you stop the sex? Engage in heavy sexual interaction and not find it satisfying? Regardless, as you try to hook up without it, just like medical marijuana packages advise, start low and go slow.
You might tell your potential partners something like “I’m working through some anxiety right now and am not sure how far I want to go sexually tonight, but I’d like to see what happens.” Or, “I definitely want to kiss you, and I’m not sure about anything else.”
Listen to your body. You can find the edge of anxiety—that blurred space where you’re a little past your comfort zone but you’re able to stay present and engaged—and hang out there for a while. Take some deep breaths. Exist in the moment. If you start to check out, call for a stop and do something that grounds you. For some people, that’s holding ice, or biting a lemon. For others, it’s a mental exercise or even a physical one. Whatever you have to do to inhabit your body and get back into the present. If checking out is a thing that you notice recurring, that’s something you’ll need to warn your partners about. Instead of a safeword, you’ll want them to understand that an absence of positive feedback means they should stop what they’re doing and disengage.
When you are feeling anxious, take note of what you’re worried about. It’ll give you information about what you’re responding to and may hold clues for what you can work on or think through to alleviate the issue. And, if you start feeling stuck, a sex-positive therapist is worth a try. I think you’ve got this.
—J. S.
From: I Have Determined I Will Not Have Sex With My Husband for Years. (May 31, 2022).
Dear How to Do It,
What are your best tips for playing with testicles? My boyfriend loves ball action, and I … just don’t know what I’m doing. I want to approach this as enthusiastically as I approach everything else, but I’m stumped. Where do I begin?
—He’s Got Big Balls
Dear Big Balls,
I really don’t understand how these conversations go in which an interest is revealed without a plan of attack. Did he just, like, grunt as he motioned in the general area of his balls? Truth be told, I have no idea what your boyfriend wants you to do with his balls. He might like them pulled. He might like them sucked. He might like you to pop ’em in your mouth like little bits of breaded chicken or lap at them so lightly as though you’re catching snow with your tongue. Ask him. If you’re too embarrassed, go down and start kissing them gently, maybe licking them for bit and wait for him to direct you. If he doesn’t, ask him if he likes what you’re doing after a few minutes. If he still doesn’t have anything to add, it could mean one of two things: You can do whatever and he’ll be happy (in that case, rejoice: An easy-going partner is a gift), or he’s not such a ball play connoisseur after all and it still doesn’t really matter what you do.
—Rich Juzwiak
From: My Boyfriend Has a Very Sensitive Kink. How Do I Handle It Delicately? (Jan. 25, 2021).
More Sex Advice From Slate
My boyfriend and I have a very satisfying sex life, but lately he has been doing something that really bothers me. I love playing scenarios, and with former partners spent a good amount of time talking about who we’d like to be and what we’d like to do. But my boyfriend prefers improv and just seeing where it takes us. It has taken us to some unexpected, yet interesting places, and I’ve done things I never would have agreed to had we discussed it ahead of time. I’ve discovered my threshold for pain is greater than I realized, and it has resulted in some of the best orgasms I’ve ever had. My problem is not what he does to me, but why.
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