I’m newly married. What my single friend expects me to continue doing with her is pathetic.

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Dear Prudence,

I am a 30-year-old newlywed living in a state where I neither grew up nor went to college. Thus, most (but not all) of my friends in this city are “couple friends” where my husband knew the man from his college days in the area. I have two of “my own” close friends here who I met five years ago when I was very single. One of them has coupled up, and we mostly now go on double dates.

The other friend, whom we can call “Kylie” (age 34), is single and watching all her friends pair off. She tells me she is unhappy about this, not because she wishes to be coupled up, but because her friends have less time for her. Ever since I got married less than a year ago, Kylie has been emotionally suffocating me. She invites me out to the city multiple weeknights per week to get dinner/a networking event for our shared profession/a play/a concert/a sporting event/happy hour. I pretty much always decline because, though I work in the city, I moved to the suburbs and don’t want to go back to the city after I go home to walk the dog.

It is not feasible for me to just stay in the city to meet up with her, as my hours are 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. and her workday ends at 6 p.m. or later. Also, after work, I like to hang out with my husband and dog and not go out unless it is a special occasion. She does not like that I have been declining all the time and told me that “I have to get a life.” And Kylie says that she never sees me, even though we hang out on one to two weekend days a month. She gets upset if I go out with our couple friends, and asks why she wasn’t invited. I don’t know how to answer that question without hurting her feelings, so I just say that not every friend needs to be included 100 percent of the time, which is “offensive.” Maybe it is, but I don’t know what to say.

She also got annoyed because I cut myself off from my parents financially, who offered me a lot of fun money with no strings. But it made me feel immature, so I stopped accepting the money, and now I budget more. She’s not happy because I can’t afford the same things as before, and doesn’t believe me when I say it is too expensive, because she knows I could have a lot more cash if I wanted to. We became friends because we are both foodies, and now I can’t go to fancy places as often. I am so much happier living on my own money, and I feel proud of myself. (My husband and I are keeping finances mostly separate for now, and we agreed to re-evaluate once we have a house and kids, hopefully in two to three years.) I make a good enough living for my age, but she makes almost double.

Kylie is a very loyal friend and would never intentionally hurt anyone. But sometimes I want to say, “Actually, I do have a life. I have a husband, a dog, work out, see friends on the weekends, am very active in my house of worship, hang out with my local in-laws, travel internationally one to two times a year, and travel domestically to visit my family and childhood best friends three to four times a year. And I find you begging me to go out every night pathetic.” But I can’t and won’t say that. Any idea on how I can get her to back off without being “offensive”?

—Weeknight Couch Potato

Dear Weeknight Couch Potato,

Part of what you need from Kylie as a friend (and what any of us need from a good friend) is enthusiasm about the relationship. But the other part is respect for and acceptance of who you are and what you want. Kylie’s doing great on the first part and not so great on the second part, which is too bad because her failure to remember that you have your own feelings and preferences is probably turning your enthusiasm for seeing her all the way down.

Some of this is also just the discomfort that comes with change, which I think will likely feel familiar to anyone who’s been part of a big-city friend group at the moment when some people begin to partner off, slow down their socializing, or move to the suburbs, while others never signed off on these changes and wish everything could stay the same. What I typically say to letter-writers like Kylie who resent that their relationships are changing because of people’s marriages, kids, mental health issues,  cross-country moves, or whatever, is that they will be much happier if they don’t cling to the college and post-college, young, single, footloose and fancy-free version of socializing. It’s tempting to think friendship is defined by going out multiple times per week. Don’t get me wrong, that is one very fun version of friendship and one that some people manage to keep doing even after marriage, kids, and reaching an age when two glasses of wine cause a hangover, because it’s important to them.

But it is OK—and I would say, even a little exciting—to be open-minded about how it can change as life unfolds. New ways of connecting and being there for each other present themselves. With one of my good friends, a full year of our friendship took the form of talking on the phone about her evil manager and her wishy-washy romantic partner while I walked with my baby in California, and she slipped into conference rooms at her East Coast workplace. To this day, I can list each of their missteps and character flaws and will do so enthusiastically—and it thrills her that I cared as much as she did.

Another friend and I had the time of our lives when I was hospitalized with preeclampsia, my husband was at home with our toddler, and she spent two nights with me. There was a nurse who kept offering me cheese sandwiches and then apologizing when they didn’t have them on the floor, and I was so annoyed that, despite the fact that the sandwiches were her idea and I never even got one, she repeatedly told other nurses about my huge appetite. My friend and I have never laughed so hard as we did when we realized she was actually talking about my enthusiastically breastfeeding baby. A year later, that same friend was by my side again when my son had a suspected asthma attack, retrieving coffee from the cafeteria and saying, “We always have a good time at the hospital.” Another big highlight for us this year was cleaning and organizing her furnished basement to make it a nice place to host Thanksgiving. I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve been in public enjoying food, drinks, or entertainment in the past year, but the friendship is not diminished one bit. My husband recently reminded me that in his 30s, he self-produced a sports podcast with some of his buddies who were scattered around the country because, sure, maybe it would leap to the top of the charts (spoiler: It did not), but the real value was that it was a new way to make sure they all talked every week.

I wish Kylie could see possibilities like these in her future with you instead of haranguing you about abandoning your dog and your bedtime to make her idea of a good night happen. I think she deserves some understanding. Things changed in a way that was out of her control. And while you have a different life with your husband and dog, she has the same life as before, but without you by her side all the time. That’s hard. So I’m sure you’d be willing to offer something to make sure her current lifestyle is honored, too—like a standing monthly date when she can count on you to trek back into the city, combined with a regular invitation to brunch where you live, supplemented by regular texting. There’s a way to adjust and compromise here.

But you can’t force her to do that. It sounds like she might not have the desire or personality to make a shift to a relationship that is responsive to both of your needs. The right words won’t change her mindset, which unfortunately seems to be pretty selfish and stubborn. If she keeps insisting on herself and shaming you for explaining your perspective, it may be that this friendship isn’t strong enough to grow and change along with you.

Dear Prudence,

My wife, “Ruby,” and I have two kids under 5, and she is causing a feud with the neighbors over something nonsensical. They recently had an expensive fountain installed on their front lawn featuring a nude woman pouring one of those ancient Roman pots into the fountain proper. It’s a classical-themed look, and it’s quite nice. Ruby, however, is outraged that our neighbors would “put something obscene where young kids can see it” and is demanding that they remove the fountain. They told her to piss off.  She is now threatening to contact our Homeowners Association, and if that doesn’t get results, she wants to sue them! Please give me a script for talking her down.

—Fountain Fiasco

Dear Fountain Fiasco,

On a practical level, this seems like something the HOA and legal system can handle for you. If the neighbors aren’t doing anything wrong, your wife’s campaign will fail. That said, I’m sure you don’t want to be at war with the people next door, so you could try to convince her to be OK with the statue by pulling some resources on how to talk to children about nudity in art.

It’s possible that a conversation in which she gets to shape the way they’re thinking about what they’re seeing would make her feel more in control. It may also be worth very gently probing whether her panic over this is based on fears about sexual abuse-adjacent concerns and a general desire to shield the kids from anything that could possibly hurt or disturb them. In that case, embracing the guidelines from organizations like the Child Mind Institute that suggest tactics like teaching appropriate names for body parts and coaching little ones on how to get out of scary situations safely might give her something to do that creates a feeling of security and doesn’t involve paying for a lawyer.

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Dear Prudence,

My husband, “Mike’s,” dad is going to be turning 80 in May, and I am appalled by where Mike wants to take him to celebrate: a strip club! He thinks his dad will get a kick out of it (his parents divorced 15 years ago). I say this is completely inappropriate! Who’s right?

—Fear of a Massive Coronary

Dear Fear,

It’s up to them to decide whether the strip club experience itself is actually fun and a great way to bond … but inappropriate? Your father-in-law is an adult, and that didn’t change when he passed retirement age. In fact, a lot of older people resent being stereotyped as non-sexual beings. If you’re irked that being around naked women who are pretending to enjoy his company is your husband’s idea of a good time, that’s something to take up with him—but later, when it’s nobody’s birthday.

Classic Prudie

I just got out of a financial and romantic wreck. My boyfriend moved his mistress into my guest bedroom, telling me she was a co-worker who “needed a place to stay.” During this time, he sideswiped a fence while driving my car (his had stopped running), causing $2,000 in damage. When I found out the truth, I kicked them both out; she stole some clothing and electronics from me before leaving town. My ex refused to pay for the damage to my car and called me last week, accusing me of taking more than $10,000 in cash that his parents had given him to buy a new car. I told him he was out of his mind and hung up…