I’m terrified our kids will find out their father’s naughty secret.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

Years ago when he was in college, my husband was in a few dozen adult movies. Nothing big; he was just a mope. The thing is, we have two kids who are now young teens. Considering we live in an age where nothing ever stays private or buried, when is it appropriate to tell them about what he used to do before they find out on their own, or worse, someone else tells them?

—Your Dad Has a Past

Dear Your Dad Has a Past,

I don’t know if it’s true that nothing stays private or buried. The internet is forever, sure, but there’s a lot of it, which means some, if not most, will be forgotten or otherwise lost to time. Does the past of every mope (that’s porn lingo for a minor porn performer whose career and/or personal profile prevent them from being reasonably labeled a “star”) follow him around? I doubt it. I think many live lives after porn without being recognized much or at all.

And so, one course of action is to simply let the past stay there and not mention this at all to your kids, hoping that no one will point it out to them. This may very well be a case where remaining under the radar is possible. I’m thinking about the kids here—it could be mortifying to discover that their father once used to wield his dick for all the world to see. You indicate that finding out this information from an outside source would be harder on them, but I’m not sure that’s true, either. Getting in front of things would mitigate the sting of shock, but the source is secondary to the information. They may be uncomfortable with this knowledge regardless of the source.

But if your family is open about sexuality, imposes no shame on the use and production of porn, and has navigated conversations that others might deem difficult, you could have the conversation now, especially if this is really eating away at you. But in that case, keep in mind that you’re doing it more for you than for your kids—I think it would be best to discuss this when there was a need instead of just bringing it up out of the blue. If you must do that, just mention in passing that, yeah, your dad did some porn when he was younger, that phase in his life is over, no big deal. The less you make of this, the more likely they are to let it wash over them without dwelling on it or making a big deal themselves. You get to set the tone here, and that’s a position of power.

Dear How to Do It,

I am a gay man who long considered himself to be a top. Then I met my first husband, Michael, and through a lot of fun experimentation realized that I’m fully, enthusiastically vers. After a bit of work I got to the point where I could take whatever he gave me, in any position and at whatever intensity he needed that day to get off. I’m very into roleplay, and I got so good at bottoming that prep was a breeze and I didn’t have to take breaks or think about it twice. I could totally focus on the character I was doing and enjoy the ride.

Michael and I amicably divorced a couple years ago and I remarried Bobby, and suddenly I have a bottoming problem. Bobby is vers also, but generally prefers to bottom, so I’m doing less of it these days. When I do, it hurts quite a lot when he’s fully inside me, especially when he’s thrusting, even lightly. His penis is the same length as Michael’s, just possibly a little thinner. Yet it feels like he’s slamming against some barrier in there that I don’t remember Michael ever encountering. I know there is a second sphincter but that’s just a few inches in and was the big barrier to me bottoming originally. Once I learned to relax that everything was fine, and this new issue isn’t the same thing. Is it just that I do it less now? Or could it be something else? (I’ve had sexual health checkups and a recent colonoscopy, so there isn’t anything glaringly abnormal going on.)

—Pretty Sure It’s Not a Cervix

Dear Pretty Sure It’s Not a Cervix,

If your sexual health checkup did not include an anscopy (preferably a high-resolution anscopy, which adds a magnifying device to the anal examining procedure), consider getting one. The discomfort may be the result of warts/lesions, anal fissure, hemorrhoids or other butt issues. A colonoscopy might detect these things, but not certainly—the anscopy is targeted to exactly where these potentially pain-causing issues would be presenting. Get yourself a butt doctor (a colorectal surgeon), and preferably a gay one (or at least one who is known for catering to a gay clientele), and get checked properly.

If that’s clear, then it could be that you’re out of practice. Try using sex toys or even a dilator set (like this one from Future Method) to reacquaint your hole with foreign visitors. It’s particularly useful if you open yourself up before sex. You’re correct that there are external and internal sphincters and that relaxing both is crucial for bottoming. There is also, about six to eight inches inside, what is often referred to as the “second hole,” technically the rectosigmoid junction. Generally this only comes into play with extremely large penises (and during fisting). Hitting this part can be pleasurable for the bottom but also intense. It sits between the rectum and the colon, where there is a pretty tight curve in the tubing. Depending on the size and curvature of his penis, Bobby may be hitting up against that. Another advantage of testing yourself out with sex toys would be to see if there’s a difference in sensation when one is in deep, as the issue could be a basic one of how Bobby’s anatomy fits with yours. If you want to really contrast the experiences, maybe try roleplay with Bobby? Perhaps when you did it with Michael, something about that experience allowed you to relax fully, making taking dick much easier.

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Dear How to Do It,

Is it normal for your jaw to get painfully sore while giving a blow job? I am not new to this, but I feel like as I’ve gotten older—I’m 30—my jaw has become less able to hold out to finish when I’m giving my guy head. Maybe I’m just tired and a little less enthusiastic with age, but I don’t remember being this damn sore. Is there a way I can train myself back up to that stamina? Or am I just doomed to tapping out three quarters of the way through.

—Ouch

Dear Ouch,

A bit of soreness here and there, depending on the size of the dick, shouldn’t be too much of a surprise or cause for concern. Painfully sore, though? I’m concerned. Something you should be aware of is that TMD (temporomandibular joint disorders, sometimes commonly referred to as “TMJ”) often start between 20 and 40 and, would you look at that? You’re right between those ages. It’s worth inquiring to a doctor as to whether or not this is affecting you. Diagnosis may require imaging like X-rays, a CT scan, or an MRI. A doctor should also be able to help you with treatment—TMD is treatable, though the effectiveness of said treatment will range based on the severity of the condition. Painkillers (of the over-the-counter variety, nothing too heavy) may help. Things like jaw exercises, ultrasound therapy, and even surgery can also provide relief. Get yourself looked at, as rehabilitation is likely not something you can do on your own if the issue is TMD.

In the meantime and regardless of the diagnosis, you should heed the advice of people on the TMJ Association’s website regarding intimacy. Says one: “You can try different positions to reduce the stress on her jaw, neck, (and) facial muscles. Try sitting on the edge of the bed with her kneeling before you so that she is not tipping her head back as much. Never push her head down and for heaven’s sake hold still and let her control the motions.”

There are people with jaw pain who simply can’t give oral sex. It seems that your pain is not as severe as the extreme cases, which is good (for now). Tapping out three quarters of the way through is nothing to be ashamed of. You can always try finishing him off with your hand, or letting him handle it while you make out with him, play with his nipples (or whatever parts of his body turn him on). Definitely don’t put yourself through pain merely for the sake of someone else’s pleasure.

—Rich

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