LA’s Rushing Attack Leads To Two TD Win Vs. The Argonauts

Max Scherzer left after two innings with decreased velocity — damn, only 78 more wins to 300 — and then things got worse. This was a rematch of last year’s World Series, and the Dodgers sent Justin Wrobleski (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 4.00) out there to try to get the Jays the lead for most of the game only to lose at the end, but no takers from the Jays, I suppose. Starting the action was Teoscar Hernandez (2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1), and his 2nd homer in two games). That’s just darn cute! Teoscar was doing that thing where you know you’re going to see your ex, so you put on extra cologne, whiten your teeth and say smart stuff loudly near them like, “Quadratic equation.” Adorkable! Next up was Canada’s favorite son, Freddie Freeman (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer). If I were Canada, I would revoke his citizenship. Can’t forget Shohei Ohtani (2-for-6, 2 runs and his 3rd homer). For the Jays, he’s the one that got away, along with that baseball he hit. Finally, the real star of the game, Dalton Rushing (4-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, three homers in two games). Will Smith is still in front of him, but hot schmotato alert when Rushing is playing. Maybe in this next game the Jays can go back to worrying about Miguel Rojas, the hitter, and not pitcher who’s throwing to them when they’re down by 13. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alejandro Kirk – Undergoing surgery on his thumb. Not timetable yet for his return to baseball or impersonations of Shari Lewis’s Lamb Chop.

Janson Junk – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.09. “It’s time we discussed your Junk,” a quote from a urologist, who is also your brother as they sit you down for an intervention on Hoarders. What, you go to your brother for your urologist? C’mon, man, open up a Google once in a while and go out of your PPO. Just had a thought, imagine your mom was your urologist. What kind of trauma is that? Okay, more or less than if she was your proctologist? I need deadly serious answers after you ruminate on that for five minutes. Prefer moms was up your butt than in your junk? Then explain why. In 500 words or less. So, Janson looks good. Better than the results yesterday. I don’t know where it’s coming from, but he’s gained two-plus miles on his fastball for that extra ooooMPH (Rudy overruled me when I presented him tick pills), and has always had fantastic command. If he can maintain his newfound velocity and his always-superior command, he could be a potential breakout for a number three fantasy starter. It’s not an ace, but it’s not Junk.

Brandon Williamson – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Nice start, but Streamonator hates his next one, and I can’t recommend him yet.

Juan Soto – Hit the IL with a calf strain. I want to die. Enrobe me death and let the pain wash away like a wave receding from the shoreline or your hairline. Oh, don’t worry about me, I have [checks team] Thomas Saggese to cover for him! I have no problems there! [reads The Bell Jar while head is in oven for the irony and death] Damn it! I wasn’t expecting 35-40 steals, but we’re getting less than five, aren’t we? That’s what’s going to happen, isn’t it? I am screaming at the ceiling because just beyond it is where the Fantasy Baseball Overlord lives. So, this sucks, clearly, but it opens a spot in the lineup for Mark Vientos. That makes the glass 1/100th full. Optimism!

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I’m so glad I went back in on Gunnar. If I were missing this, I would’ve put my head through a wall.

Brandon Young – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, as he was called up for Eflin’s rotation spot. There should be a nurse stationed in every hospital that tells new parents, “Sorry, you can’t name your kid Brandon. We’re out of those.” So, Young has a 93 MPH fastball, four pitches, and excellent command. He’s tall and reminds me of Chris Young. Can he build a winning roster in Texas? I don’t know. He feels like an innings eater. I’d leave him for AL-Only.

Jonathan India – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I like how in Indian police shows the cops hold hands with the suspects. It’s so cute. It’s like, “Here’s Fred Patel, who is suspected of murder,” and the cop’s like, “Is that new hand lotion?”

Carter Jensen – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Trying to remember how many homers Bobby Witt Jr., Cagalianone and Pasquantino have. Not remembering. Oh well, moving on.

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.69. Appropriate ERA since my backend starters are f**king me.

Jose Ramirez – 0-for-2 as he became number one on the Guardians for games played. Kinda surprising, figured someone along the way would’ve had more than 1,620 games played. Rockies have two guys with more. Nats have two guys with more. The guy who held the record with the Guards (Terry Turner) last played for them in 1918, when baseball was played on roller skates and players wore walnut shells on their ears. (I’m a bit of a history buff.)

Steven Kwan – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. You’re the Kwan that I want ooh ooh ooh. Sorry, I’m in my Grease phase.

Konnor Griffin – 0-for-4 as he hits 8th. Hunh, unrelated but Kevin McGonigle (1-for-5, 1 run) hit leadoff, and stole his 1st bag.

Bubba Chandler – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.12. I watch a decent amount of Pirates games, and have seen a lot of Bubba. His stuff is very nasty but he can’t pitch at all. Know idea where the ball is going. Kinda like Oneil Cruz in the outfield.

German Marquez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Streamonator actually likes the Nazi in Exile’s next start, and I did not see that coming, though I could see it, in retrospect.

Brandon Woodruff – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.22. I rock ruff and tuff with my Woodruff starts, but I will persist. For now.

Brayan Bello – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 9.00. It’s pronounced Bay-Oh, like BO.

Willson Contreras – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Was showing his brother across the diamond how it’s done! While losing by two.

Jordan Walker – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. All my dreams feel suddenly attainable.

Ramon Urias – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert!

James Wood – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Yesterday, Wood and Walker had a, “Let’s make Grey’s heart swoon” contest.

Brady House – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Okay, lose Noelvi for House.

CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. So glad I drafted Abrams in the leagues where I had a top 15 pick so he could carry me in power.

Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever had a pitcher before that feels like he might throw a 0.70 WHIP on the year.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. One down, 60 more to go–Yeah, aight.

Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.40. The road to redemption begins now! If I said that last night. Well, I did, but you didn’t read it then. Can’t you, like, sit in my office and I can just read this stuff to you? I’m kidding! Get out of here! No, you can’t have that passion fruit La Croix! Put it back!

Cam Smith – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Oh my God, it’s all coming up Jordan Walker and Cam Smith. 2025 Grey is so happy! (2026 Grey too.)

Troy Johnston – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Start all Rockies at home, forever more.

Drake Baldwin – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. It would be heee-larious if Baldwin surpassed Raleigh’s home run record by a catcher one year after he set it.

Chris Sale – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.94. Glad it’s not only pitchers who I have that are taking the pooch out to a romantic dinner, then home for a little how’s your father.

Zach Neto – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Someone was poo-poo’ing Neto in the preseason comments, and I’m not going to pull quotes or nothing, but some of y’all need to repent.

Jo Adell – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Incredibly, he didn’t try to rob himself.

Jose Soriano – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.45. Still don’t fully trust him, but as I said the last time he pitched, you just roster until things go sideways. No reason to question it.

Andrew Painter – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.82 vs. Adrian Houser – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.97. This matchup was billed as, “Houser/Painter, i.e., the guy who your wife ran off with.” Painter took a major step backwards (watch out for the bucket!) and Houser isn’t actually good, so [raspberries lips].

Luke Keaschall – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Are you telling me the season wasn’t completed after nine games and Keaschall wasn’t a bust? Hmm, okay, looking into it!

Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Buy! ACKSUALLY, on this week’s podcast we talk about some more pitchers to buy.

Casey Mize – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.23. Again, just be normal. It’s all I ask.

Matt Shaw – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two days. Nice of him to increase his trade value for the Cubs in his last week of playing before Seiya returns.

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.53. Fun fact! He tried to play for Team Italy in the WBC, saying to the coaches, “I Taillon.” Streamonator is slightly positive on Taillon’s next one.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 0-for-4 as he hit 8th. How’s dem PCA shares doing? Better than RCA shares in the 1920s? Cool!

Matthew Boyd – Hit the IL with a strained bicep. What an odd thing to find in a colander. Javier Assad was recalled to take his spot. Assad is being recalled from Syria.

Taylor Walls – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Rays optioned down Carson Williams. Shame Williams only could make contact once every 60 at-bats. Oh well, back to Taylor Walls who makes contact every 59 at-bats.

Shane McClanahan – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.15, and lifted at 69 pitches. P is the worst letter that could be behind 69 *itches. St– would be 2nd worst. W’s okay, as long as it’s not Salem in the 1600s.

Bryan Baker – 1 IP, 1 ER, and his 1st save, ERA at 2.25. And you have a new Rays’ closer. Dot dot dot. Until the next game where they go with someone like Ian Seymour and back to Jax. When in doubt though, pick up last guy to get the save: Baker.

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Cedric the HRtainer performing at the “Better than Gavin Lux-or.”

Junior Caminero – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games.  Thank you, Santa, for this luxury kiddie car!

Jonathan Aranda – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Brain thinks, “Would’ve been better drafting Aranda than Vinnie Pasketti.” Shut up, brain!