How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend adores eating me out. He always wants to do it before we get to any penetration. He likes to pride himself on being really good at it, too. He coyly tells me he’s always gotten compliments on his skills.
The trouble is, he actually isn’t very good at all—or at least not for me, because it never feels right. Something is off, and there’s not enough friction. I usually just feel like I’m waiting until it’s over so we can get to the main event. He really seems to think I love it too—and now I feel terrible about potentially having to come clean. How do I get out of this situation?
—I’d Give It a C-Minus
Dear I’d Give It a C-Minus,
The line “at least not for me” is your north star. Our culture often throws statements around about people being good at sex or bad at sex, but the reality is that a person’s enjoyment of another’s technique is extremely subjective. OK, yes, I can think of a couple of approaches which, despite two decades of extensive discussion and reading on the subject of sex, I’ve never heard a person speak of in any tone except derision. But it’s really rare. So focus on the fact that you, as an individual, prefer something to be done differently.
As to how to bring it up, consider whether expressing regret and embarrassment—“I’m sorry I kept this from you for so long. I wasn’t sure how to approach it, and am pretty anxious about the whole thing right now”—or simply suggesting more friction—“Could we try oral with more tongue pressure on [this area] and [that area]?”—is likely to go over better. If you go for the softer, latter scenario, be prepared to find yourself needing to eventually escalate to the first option. Brace yourself for the potential of hurt feelings—it sounds like your boyfriend may consider “good at giving head” part of the positive aspects of his identity, so receiving criticism could be a blow to his self-esteem—and be as empathetic as possible in the event that he’s surprised or sad.
If you want to experience oral sex you actually enjoy, you’re going to have to say something. And the sooner you do so, the less he’ll question why you waited so long.
—Jessica
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