My fiancée reconnected with her useless mother. Now she has some new “ideas” about what our life should look like.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My fiancée recently got in contact with her narcissistic mother. This woman is a grifter who sent her teenage daughter away in order to keep her rapist boyfriend. She has two other younger children whom she does not have custody of. But she is obsessed with the idea of us giving her a grandbaby.

She whines and cries and makes ludicrous promises about how she will support and take care of the baby while we finish school. We both work full-time and are finishing our degrees without loans, so it will be a few years. We want to start our married life without debt and potentially buy a house. The problem is that my fiancée is starting to repeat this nonsense.

It is like all her brains get scrambled after a talk with her mom. “People make do all the time. Love is all you need. God will provide.” I finally asked her how exactly she thought we could budget this. We can’t afford rent just on my salary, let alone paying for our degrees and child care, and her mother is a liar. The woman can’t take care of the children she already has, and my fiancée wants to gamble that it will be different for a grandkid? This is a constant fight between us. Frankly, this is giving me pause on our future together. We are only in our mid-20s here. While we were dating, my fiancée was in therapy to deal with her past trauma and firmly seemed to feel that her mother needed to be kept at a distance. Now it is the opposite. I love her and want kids. Just not now. How do I get through to her?

—Not Kidding

Dear Not Kidding,

You and your fiancée are not on the same page about children, money, or your relationship with your families. These are kind of big things in marriage! The fact that you’re at an impasse before you’ve even walked down the aisle is not great.

Or maybe it is great that you’re not yet married because you can still hit the brakes on the relationship. Please do that. You can make the strongest possible case for not being bullied into procreating by a narcissist (and you’re absolutely right, it’s not true that God provides and everyone makes it. Plenty of people end up homeless, have their kids removed for neglect, or simply live a nightmare because life is too expensive and everyone is suffering), but you’ll still have a wife who resents you and is miserable because you’re keeping her from having a baby.

Dear Prudence,

I recently started dating someone for the first time (in adulthood), and they’re so nice and basically perfect. Yet, it fills me with so much anxiety and dread! I never feel like I’m doing enough, and because I get so anxious, it occasionally overshadows how much I like them. We are hitting the three-month mark, and it feels like my anxiety is hitting a peak. Is it possible for someone to be too nice? Do I push through and hope these feelings go away? I know that talking to them is the smart thing, but how do you vocalize that your problem is that they may be too perfect? Should I just be alone forever?

—Anxious Dater

Dear Anxious Dater,

No, you should not just be alone forever. No way. You’re a mess right now because you really don’t want to be alone. If you did end up single for a long time, it wouldn’t be a catastrophe, and you’d still find a way to have a good life. But I’m not going to let you sabotage a partnership that is exactly what you want, just because you’re feeling uncomfortable.

The answer to “Can I just push through?” is also no. You can try to, but your anxiety is going to find a way to rear its head. Your story reminds me of a time a friend once called me and asked for advice about a fight he was having with his girlfriend, which was based on the fact that they were having a leisurely day floating down a river in inner tubes, and he floated too far away from her. All hell broke loose, and no amount of explanation about wind or currents was going to fix it because (in my opinion at least) it was really a fight about her concern that he might one day drift away from her in their real life.

I don’t think your main worry is that your partner is too perfect. I think you’re really concerned that you don’t deserve someone like him because you’re too imperfect. Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix for that belief. You work on your confidence and self-love little by little. Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection is a pretty good book on the way shame and perfectionism (which isn’t about being someone who always does things perfectly—it’s about being someone who thinks you’re terrible and undeserving because you’re flawed just like everyone else on earth) can keep us from enjoying life. And, of course, I have to suggest therapy, too.

Here’s a tip about all kinds of relationship anxiety—not just the question of whether he’s too perfect but also: Is he cheating? Will he leave me if he meets someone better? Does he want to take it to the next level? Is he bored? Will we ever get married?

Worrying about the 101 ways a romantic partner might hurt or leave you will drain every bit of life out of you; it won’t stop the bad thing from happening, and it will probably cause you to behave in a way that brings about all the relationship problems you were worried about and then some. So, try as hard as you can to take your attention off the guy you’re dating and put it on yourself—specifically, building trust in yourself that you will manage to be OK even if everything comes crashing down. Keep up with solo activities that you love; create traditions you can count on with friends and family. Then throw in some tried and true techniques to calm yourself when you start panicking about the relationship—breathing exercises, a mantra you can repeat, physical activity, or something else. I’m currently really into bilateral stimulation music, which requires no effort other than pressing play and putting some headphones on, and it really settles me down. Think about times in the past when something you feared did happen, and you survived and were OK anyway.  Knowing that you have things that work for you in your toolbox will give you confidence that you’ll be able to survive even if you end up with a broken heart.

I actually don’t think you need to discuss your anxieties with the guy you’re seeing. It’s early, and you don’t say whether it’s even an exclusive relationship yet. The information about your insecurity isn’t going to be helpful to him, and you’re still at the stage where you’re getting to know each other rather than evaluating whether you want to be serious. Plus, you don’t want to get into the habit of looking to him (or anyone) for reassurance about beliefs that only you can change.

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Dear Prudence,

I’m having issues with my family. I’m an adult now, but I’m struggling to live with the fact that I was severely abused as a child by an older relative. As a result, I became pregnant very young, but sadly had a miscarriage. It was very, very difficult, especially as my biological parents sided with him. Even when he was arrested, I was blamed.

Now, years later, my parents are elderly and unwell. I’m struggling to deal with having to help with their care, and I’m so sad for the relationship that we will, now, never have. It’s so silly, but I crave that feeling of security and safety that I see in my friends’ relationships with their parents. It feels like such a raw and painful part of my life. I also am neurodiverse and a part of the LGBTQ+ community, neither of which my biological family can accept. I have thought about trying to form more friendships and connections with people of my parents’ generation. I’d really love it if a senior person would like to become an honorary part of my family, someone with whom I could have that close and loving relationship. It’s just that I’m really not sure how to go about finding someone like that. I’m definitely only searching for platonic mutual support, as my romantic needs are already met—but I have so much love to give, that feels as if it’s being wasted. Any advice would be appreciated.

—Sparrow

Dear Sparrow,

I’m so sorry about what you’ve lived through. The idea to connect with an older person is a wonderful one. It could fill a hole for you and add so much to their life, too. Check out what’s going on at your local community garden, volunteer as a poll worker, or sign up for a class that seems like it might attract an older crowd. Specifically, water aerobics! There’s plenty of time to talk while you’re doing your underwater leg raises; you’ll likely see the same people every week. If it doesn’t happen organically, put out a call to your local community on social media. You’ll want to explain your interest in the relationship, make yourself sound safe, and sell what you have to offer a little bit. It could sound something like this:

I’m looking for a local senior interested in companionship and multigenerational friendship. Because of a tough situation with my own parents, I would really love it if an older person would like to become an honorary part of my family, someone with whom I could have that close and loving relationship. I know this will depend on whether we click and a connection will take time to build, but I would like to give it a try. I can offer help with small household tasks and local outings, and I consider myself a good listener. [Here say a little something about yourself, like “I like playing cards, keeping up with current events, and checking out new restaurants. I have lived in the area since college, where I studied business with a minor in French. I have a 7-year-old son, and I love dogs but am unfortunately allergic to cats.”]

If you or someone you know might value this kind of connection, too, please reach out. I’m aware that people can be predatory toward seniors, so I am happy to provide references or a background check or get to know each other gradually in whatever way feels comfortable.”

Before doing this, make sure you’re set up with a therapist. Maybe see them for several months first. I say that because you’re so (justifiably) sad and vulnerable right now, and I want you to have an emotional safety net and another tool for dealing with your grief, before you form this new relationship. It’s too much pressure for one person to heal your pain, and it will strain any new friendship. Also, people of all ages are flawed, and you run the risk of bonding with an older person who turns out to have their own shortcomings. I want to make sure you’re covered in case the first few shots at a relationship don’t work out, or if you become close to someone who reveals themselves to be a bigot or a jerk. Or dies. It happens!

Classic Prudie

My good friend “Mary” set me up with her brother “Jim” in January, when he moved in with her from out of state. We’ve been dating ever since. While Mary was happy for us, she was sad to not have a partner herself. So when Jim told me in March that he was going to prioritize her feelings because she was having a hard time, I understood. (By that time we were a “pod” of three, and being the third wheel can be rough.) Initially, their close sibling friendship seemed nice…