My girlfriend overreacts to … everything. There’s no delicate way to put this.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend and I (both women) moved in together six months ago.  Things are mostly great, but I am struggling to handle our different responses to common obstacles. Namely, whenever something happens, my girlfriend’s reactions feel outsized, and I wind up regularly having to talk her down, even if it’s something we’re both dealing with.

Recently, because of heavy snowfall, our building had a blackout for a few hours. I wound up spending most of that time talking to her through a pile of complaints (“If my phone dies, I’m gonna cry,” “If they don’t fix this before sunset, I’m submitting a complaint!” etc.). It also feels like her heightened emotions take precedence, even when I have my own issues. A recent example: I found out a family member needed to go to the hospital the same day my girlfriend received some feedback on a work project. I wound up having to talk to her through the (politely-phrased) feedback way longer than we discussed my relative’s problems. Is there a way to address this?  Saying, “I think your reactions to things are overblown,” feels dismissive, but I’m admittedly struggling here.

—Trying to Roll With the Punches

Dear Trying to Roll With the Punches,

You could tell your girlfriend what you think about her reactions and ask her to change them, but I have a better, more efficient idea: Change your own response to her meltdowns. You mention a couple of times in this letter what you’re “having to” do to accommodate the emotional spirals, and that’s the part I think we should examine.

It’s what you’re doing, but is it actually required? What would happen if you didn’t deliver an on-demand therapy session over the possibility of a dead phone battery? For example, during the blackout, you might have said, “If your phone dies that will suck, but we can always put on our snow boots and walk to the coffee shop and charge up there. In the meantime, I’m going to take a nap!” or “I think I’ll use this time to do yoga by candlelight. Want to join me?” or “This seems like a good time to make a snowman. Interested?” I think it would be fine to acknowledge but not engage in her catastrophizing, while modeling what it looks like to deal with a tough situation without falling apart.

When you were worrying about your family member and she came to you with her story about work feedback, it would have been OK to say, “I’m sure it was really stressful to get that email when you weren’t expecting it. It’s a terrible feeling to be criticized for something you worked hard on” followed by, “If I seem distracted, it’s probably because I’m really worried about my cousin and whether he’ll get out of the ICU.” If she didn’t redirect her focus to your concerns, you could have added something like, “I really need to vent about it, so I’m going to call my brother,” or, “You know, I’m still really preoccupied, and I’m just going to play some video games to take my mind off the situation.”

The dynamic whereby one person in a relationship needs a lot of help, comfort, and reassurance, and the other remains steady and supports them, works for some couples. If you derived pride from talking your girlfriend down and focusing on her problems all the time, your current set-up would be fine. But you don’t, and you’d like someone to be there for you, too. The kind thing to do is actually to be clear that you don’t want the role you’re currently playing. Do that by limiting your engagement when she needs excessive reassurance. She might follow your example and turn down the drama. Or she might hate it. But behaving in a way that reflects how you actually feel will give you both a chance to contemplate whether you’re a good match. This makes more sense than telling her to stop reacting the way she does. If she could flip a switch and become easygoing, she probably already would have.

Dear Prudence,

I’m 25 years old and still live with my parents. I’ve never had a job but desperately want one (I have begged to have one since I was 16, but my parents kept telling me “stay in school” until I hit 21). Every time I think I’m ready to get one, something always comes up. Dad got me a car at 21, but I didn’t get a license for it until I was 22. At the same time, my sister needed my car for her job (she wrecked hers). I got it back, but then my parents’ car broke down, and now they need mine.

Mom got cancer last year and needed it for her appointments. Once those were done, I finally had it… And now I’m the one having health issues that make getting a job out of the question. What should I do?

—Saint

Dear Saint,

I completely understand that you crave independence, but that comes after housing security and after having family around to care for you while you’re in poor health. Still, you don’t have to give up on your dreams of working and living on your own, with a vehicle that can’t be taken away from you because someone else needs it more.

The first order of business is to do whatever you can to address your health issues: navigating insurance, finding providers, and following doctors’ advice about what you can do to care for yourself and hopefully begin to feel well enough to work. I’m not sure exactly how debilitating your illness is, but since you sent this letter, I’m hoping that means you can do sedentary work using a computer. That’s good news, because so many jobs these days are remote! You don’t have to get your car back and feel energetic enough to get dressed and leave the house every day to look for employment. If you don’t feel you’re qualified for anything, could you enroll in online courses or pursue a certification of some kind, and then start to look for work-from-home gigs? I assume you’re contributing something to the household, but you can still save a lot of your money for getting your own place (and your own car, if it doesn’t seem like the one you have will be returned to you).

Health issues are tough, and life is expensive and difficult for everyone, but you’ll feel better if you’re making progress toward a future where your ability to support yourself doesn’t require permission from your family members.

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here.

Dear Prudence,

This is kind of a dumb question, but I really don’t have any frame of reference for it. My husband’s brother is getting married to several women at the same time in April. What sort of wedding gift(s) would be appropriate?  Do we need to get something specific for everyone?

—Present Puzzle

Dear Present Puzzle,

This must be a commitment ceremony or happening in a country that allows marrying multiple people, because in the U.S., as in many other countries, this isn’t legal. In any case, the right choice is a gift off the registry that you can afford. If there isn’t a registry, buy the same gift you would for a two-person wedding, according to whatever the applicable culture dictates. Simple.

A marriage (or whatever it may be) between multiple people is unfamiliar to you, so it’s understandable that you’re a bit thrown off. But having a question about what to get for a gift (which seems pretty obvious!) feels to me like a sign that your brain hasn’t accepted that these people are committing to spend their lives together and asking their loved ones to help them celebrate. If you’d gotten comfortable with the idea, you’d know that the event doesn’t ask anything unusual of you. So if you’re going to go and support your brother-in-law, spend some time letting the nature of the arrangement sink in, and maybe (by asking your husband to tell you what he knows or self-educating via Reddit) getting answers to your big questions about how this relationship will work and why the multiple parties involved might have chosen it. Maybe if you understand them all better, you’ll be less likely to show up going, “Help! How am I supposed to eat my cake when several people are getting married?! Does anyone know when it’s appropriate to get on the dance floor when there are so many newlyweds?”

The bottom line is, as different as the situation may feel, most of the parts involving you will be exactly the same as they would be if you were a guest at a traditional wedding. Don’t let your discomfort lead you to make things unnecessarily weird.

Classic Prudie

I’m tired of having the same winter fight with my husband. He doesn’t believe I need to remove the snow accumulation on my SUV’s roof. He believes that’s just for “high visibility vehicles,” aka semis. (I want to know how he thinks a snow brush gets up there, but I digress.) Besides safety and courtesy for cars behind me, I also don’t like taking the risk of having to stop and it all slides down to my windshield. If he offers to help remove snow from my car, he will do the front and back windshield and that’s it…