My Marriage Went Through a Real Rough Patch. I Confided in the Wrong Person, and Now I’m in Trouble.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife “Nala” and I have been married for 20 years. In the distant past, I complained to several close, male, long-time friends about certain behaviors of my wife.

In particular, I told them about my wife’s atrocious treatment of me (e.g., repeatedly throwing me out of the house for days for being mouthy). Most listened sympathetically, but one good friend, “Alan,” has gone further and now detests Nala, even though we socialized as a foursome in the past with him and his wife. Well, Nala learned about my complaints and Alan’s advocacy of divorce, which I don’t want because our marriage is much better now. But Nala is demanding that I end my 48-year friendship with Alan because she thinks it is dangerous to our relationship. Is there any way to keep both Alan and Nala?

—Having to Choose

Dear Having to Choose,

Gently remind your wife that Alan’s distaste for her is directly related to how you relayed your relationship to him; he has judged her based on your past unhappiness due to her behavior (I’m taking you at your word about her “atrocious treatment” and assuming that your “mouthy” comments were not, in fact, awful enough to warrant being put out the house).

Assure her that you feel good about your marriage now and that you no longer complain about her to your friend, but that you do not intend to end a friendship that has lasted nearly half a century because that person had a fair reaction to being told negative information about her. Let her know that you will maintain your connection with him independent of her and assure her that you will not force the two of them to interact. Be understanding of where both your loved ones are coming from; you would likely be uncomfortable with Nala having a friend who encouraged her to leave you, but it’s also hard to expect Alan to ever cheer for your wife after serving as your confidante during the challenging years of your marriage. Is Nala contrite about her past behavior? Is she able to admit that she mistreated you? If not, you may need to do some reflection on ther current state of affairs.

—Jamilah

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My friend and I are both pregnant, and we need your help with a good comeback line. As we all know, pregnant women’s bodies always seem up for grabs in conversation, and no matter how rude we seem to agree this is, for whatever reason it doesn’t stop people from commenting. When it gets close to time to have the actual child, the conversation seems to always get super intrusive: “Are you dilated? How dilated are you?” We think it’s bizarre and rude that people think that just because we are carrying babies, it’s socially acceptable to inquire about how open or closed our CERVIXES are. We are not cattle!