My mother-in-law walked in on us. Our sex life will never be the same.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I went over to his parents’ for the Christmas holiday. His mother has never been particularly respectful of boundaries, but we thought we were safe to go at it at nearly 3 a.m. There’s no way she’d be up, then, right? Wrong.

My MIL decided there was something she just HAD to ask us that couldn’t wait until the next day, and she walked in on us. Things were rather awkward in the morning, but I thought it was just one of those dumb things and that would be the end of it. Instead it’s been the end of our sex life, namely the fact that my husband hasn’t been able to get it up since the incident. I’ve tried everything—pussy shaving, sexy lingerie, sucking his dick—nothing works. Both of us are extremely worried and don’t know what to do. Help!

—Trying to Raise the Dead

Dear Trying to Raise the Dead,

Please relax. Not a lot of time has passed, and you’ve pinpointed a cause for the E.D. Plenty of people with non-working dicks and their partners write into this column having no idea why it’s happening. You at least have a leg up. It’s not the dick up that you desire, but it’s something.

Here’s what I would try: Work on eliminating the intrusive thoughts of this incident. This could be accomplished via therapy and/or a meditation practice. I went into my practice in a previous column, so visit that page for tips. I have found that building the meditation muscle gives me the ability to pick and choose what my mind focuses on. It’s not 100 percent (I have not completely eliminated being haunted by disturbing thoughts or images) but I am doing much better than I did before, and I didn’t even know it was possible to not think about things that were bothering me. Your impulse to do whatever you can to help the matter is heartening and logical, but this issue may be above your pay grade. This is especially so if the root of the cause is, as it seems to be, that he feels “caught,” ashamed, like his boundaries were crossed, or like he’s somehow now associating sex with his mom. This is where working with a therapist/coach could really help. Couples counseling could be an option, but this may be something he mostly handles on his own.

I would also get your husband some kind of wood-boosting assistance. Physiologically, he may not really need a PDE5 inhibitor like Viagra and/or a cock ring, but just having them can allay the anxiety that comes with and further exacerbates erectile dysfunction. Boner pills tend to be well-tolerated, and while some guys experience side effects (to the point of making the drugs off-putting), I think trying them is worth the small risk here—just to get him over the hump.

Also, try focusing on sex that doesn’t require his penis to be hard. Maybe that means he focuses on you orally/manually or that you introduce toys. Play in that space for a bit. Allowing him to get comfortable with this kind of contact may take the edge off and he may find himself able to perform. Again, this boner-killing event was fairly recent so giving it some time is also likely going to be useful. Patience!

—Rich

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