How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 41-year-old man and have an uncorrected birth defect…
I have hypospadias (an unformed urethra basically), which causes my penis to bend at a near 90-degree angle when erect. Functionally, it is fine (have to pee sitting down … whatever). I have, however, struggled with body image issues over this and have never been in a relationship or had sex (as of yet). Any advice for discussing this with a potential partner or positions to try if the day ever comes?
—Curved and Curious
Dear Curved and Curious,
A nearly 90-degree bend is significant. I emailed a few questions to Prof. Dr. Ahmed T. Hadidi of Germany’s Hypospadias Center, and he clarified that while “it is rather impossible to have traditional penetrative sex with a 90-degree curvature”—in fact, anything more than 20 degrees may interfere with penetrative sex—”the doggy position may reduce the negative effects of penile curvature.”
There’s no guarantee, of course, because your particular anatomy, combined with the anatomy of any individual partner, is going to dictate how the two of you fit together. Something like Tetris, but more fleshy and with fewer sharp angles. Generally speaking, penetrative sex is a question of getting tab A into slot B—try as many possibilities as you can think of, and keep track of the ones that feel good. It could be useful to experiment on your own with a “male masturbator” style toy, which you can insert your penis into.
As for how to broach the discussion with romantic and sexual interests, the more matter-of-fact and direct you are, the more likely they are to take it well. Again, no promises, but it’s the main thing you can control in these conversations, and people do tend to base part of their reaction on the tone of the person delivering information. You’ll want to express your attraction, and follow it up with the basic details of your situation—namely, that you’ve got a significant bend in your penis that’s part of a condition you’ve had since birth, you’ve decided not to pursue surgery to reduce it, and you’ll need to work together to figure out what positions are possible for the two of you. You may find that practicing your phrasing in the mirror or with a friend reduces anxiety. Line up a friend you can lean on in case the potential partner behaves like a jerk, who will also be happy to celebrate with you if your new partner responds with the compassion you deserve.
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
I’m a straight man in my late 30s, and my wife of 10 years recently came out as bisexual. She says that nothing about herself has changed, she’s just acknowledging an attraction to women that’s always been there, and that our relationship will stay entirely the same, which is mostly great! The thing is, part of me WANTS a change.
First Appeared on
Source link
