M.V.L. / Boston
Your friend’s behavior seems odd to me, particularly since she, presumably, watches your girls on occasion as well. Then again, people are weird about money. Clearly, paying you fills some psychological need for her. You’ve already made your feelings clear and tried talking her out of it, so there’s no point going down that route again. Instead, why don’t you save up the money she gives you, and every few months donate it to a children’s charity? That seems like a win-win for everyone, especially the charity.
It’s up to you whether to make the donation in her name or yours. If you do it in her name, she might appreciate your thoughtful attempt to honor your feelings and hers (and the tax deduction as well) or she might see it as a passive-aggressive maneuver. You know her and I don’t, so that’s your call to make.
I work as a pediatric nurse with very sick children. When I tell people my occupation, they usually respond with “I don’t know how you deal with sick kids all day” or “How do you not go home and cry after work?” This makes me feel guilty that I can make it through a day without crying. I would hate sitting behind a desk all day. How do I get across to them without seeming insensitive that I love my job and that, although it can be depressing, I can’t imagine doing anything else?
K.C. / Boston
You think you feel guilty? Your job probably makes others feel guilty that they’re not contributing to the good of humanity in as direct a way as you are.
“I’m a pediatric nurse in a critical-care unit. What do you do?”
“I’m, uh, the assistant regional manager of a paper-supply company.”
Yeah, that guy’s feeling good about himself.
Joking aside, I don’t think people are saying these things to make you question yourself or out of insecurity and meanness. Rather, they truly don’t get it. It is very hard for folks outside the professions to understand the particular mix of empathy and detachment that enables people to do extraordinarily difficult jobs such as nursing or social work. Not everyone’s mind or heart is set up that way.
Instead of trying to explain yourself, tell some stories about the kids you’ve worked with. People understand stories better than theories. Craft one or two anecdotes about people and situations you’ve encountered in your work, and when someone asks, “How can you do that?” say, “I’ve never been an office-y kind of person, and I get so much from it. There was this one time when . . .” Then the other person will have something to grab on to.
My mother is a volunteer with hospice, and I don’t understand, myself, how being with people who are going to die can fail to be depressing and awkward. I don’t understand how her mind works that she can do that. But she’ll tell me stories — sometimes surprisingly funny ones—about her clients, and I get it in a way that I don’t have to “understand.”
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
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