We had a group of tight-knit parent friends. Then we caught two of them getting a little too … close. Uh oh.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I need advice on how to explain a friend group breakup to my kids (not about politics!). My kids are 9 and 11. We have a core friend group of four families at our synagogue (we will call them families A, B, C, and D). Everyone has kids the same age, and when we all get together, it’s just fun and relaxed.

This last weekend, after some of us left for the night (families C and D plus husband/kids from B), a lot more drinking occurred, and husband from A and wife from B got busted by wife from A in a “very compromising position.”

There was a lot of drama after that, as expected, but now that we are in the fallout, my kids know something went wrong. And they are asking questions. We told them that couple A had a really bad fight and most likely are not going to make it. They knew to ask if family B was involved. I said yes, and that those two are no longer friends.

The kids are confused because these two families were super tight, so it’s not adding up for them. I don’t want to tell them about the cheating part because I don’t want them to be mad at the two involved, since there are layers there (and I don’t want them spreading gossip around our temple). I told them that this is “adult stuff,” but that didn’t buy me much slack.

I feel like I want to tell them something. I am not taking sides in all of this, and I still plan on being friends with everyone involved; however, the group as a whole will never be the same. That affects the kids more than anything. Any advice is welcome!

—Yikes

Dear Yikes,

Although telling your kids that it’s “adult stuff” didn’t help, I think you need to reiterate it while explaining that it’s also “other families’ stuff.” As in: It’s not our business to dissect and discuss the details of other families, the same way we don’t want other people sticking their noses in ours. Telling them they can’t know just because they are not adults might feel like you’re infantilizing them when they can tell something is going on, but the reality is that it’s not their business to know everything.

Kids talk and, honestly, you might have already said too much. But you can use this moment to talk to them about how we support friends when they might need us. So, for example, if they think any of their friends are sad about what’s going on, ask them what they can do to help. This gives your kids a little power in how they navigate their friendship—it seems as if they likely just really want to be good friends! Give them examples of ways to do that. This way, you and your husband can stay out of the mess.

—Arionne

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