We’re giving our son something most of his friends could never dream of having. Uh, now he wants to know why.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I (we are older parents of an 8-year-old) have been lucky in our careers to make the salaries we now do. We haven’t had an unfair leg up in our lives and have worked hard for what we have, and can now afford to move our son to a private school where he will get so many more opportunities.

It won’t come without its sacrifices; we will have fewer trips away, and we will continue to buy second-hand whatever we can (we’ve always been frugal). Most of his friends from his public school cannot dream of going there, and I know that their parents also work exceptionally hard for their families. So when he asks us why his friends can’t also join him, what more can we say than, “We are very privileged to be able to afford this.” I don’t want to say we’ve worked very hard to get here financially because we know that hard work doesn’t guarantee wealth. What else can we say? Why are we so special? What did we do differently? I’m totally stumped and also feeling a lot of guilt over the resources that are available to us.

—Money Talks

Dear Money Talks,

Explaining that money is a privilege is a great way to go. You can even frame it as you did in this letter: Being able to work certain kinds of jobs that pay higher salaries is a privilege.

You can also talk about how privilege exists in different ways that have nothing to do with money. At 8 years old, kids can generally handle conversations about race, abilities, gender, and other ways we show up in society. It doesn’t mean you need to have the deepest of conversations about these subjects all at once. Keeping it simple opens the door for you to be a safe space for future talks.

Helping your son understand that we are all different people with different life experiences gives him a better understanding of his own circumstances, his friends’, and those of the people he’ll be meeting at his new school. It will also help him grow into an overall compassionate person and one who will see any fortune that comes his way as something worth sharing. It’s normal to feel guilt over having access to resources that others may not have. But raising a kind person who understands others can be the antidote!

Dear Care and Feeding,

We’re preparing to move our family from the U.S. to Switzerland this July for at least two years, as I’ll be working at the school my kids will be attending, and I’d love advice on how and when to prepare our kids for such a big transition, especially around school.

Our first grader has a late birthday and finds new environments and transitions challenging. Because the school will be bilingual and completely new—and because he also manages Type 1 diabetes—we’re considering starting him in Grade 1 rather than Grade 2 to give him more stability. The school is flexible and would move him up to Grade 2 within the first month if it’s clear he’s ready. How do we share this plan with him in a way that protects his confidence and doesn’t frame it as being “behind”? When is the right time to introduce these details, and how much should we explain up front? I’d also appreciate guidance on how to talk with kids about moving internationally and introducing diabetes care needs to a new school system without increasing anxiety.

—A Mom Packing Feelings, Stuffings, and Glucose Tabs

Dear A Mom Packing Feelings, Stuffings, and Glucose Tabs,

I know how scary a big move can be when it involves ensuring your child gets the medical support he’ll need. Those added complications are real and can make this transition even more nerve-wracking.

Explain to your kids the benefits and excitement of being in a new place and learning from new people. Let them lean into the excitement that I’m sure you have about your new job and talk to them about how they will also be doing something cool and new. You might check out books about Swiss culture at the library, watch some educational videos or films together, or otherwise find ways to introduce the kids to their new home and get them looking forward to the change.

Then, be sure to frame this as something that you’re all doing together as a family. Because you’ll be working at your kids’ school, you’ll be physically together or close by, too. So you can let them know you’re just a call or message away in case of an emergency—and you can determine what that emergency may be and set your own rules. Maybe an emergency is just that one of your kids is having an extremely sad day and needs to see Mom because of this unfamiliar environment. Letting them know that you’ll be there when they need it is huge.

In most public schools in the U.S., care plans you work out with the school once your child is enrolled are extremely specific. And knowing just how great Switzerland’s health care is, I assume schools there might have a similar norm. But my son has seizures, and I always share a health plan that outlines four important things, just in case: when to administer medicine, when to take note of a medical activity, when to call me during the day, and when to call 911. So, in my son’s case, whether he is attending a new school in a new state or going to a new after-school program, I am always sure to communicate how often he takes his medicine and when (including any signed forms by doctors that are needed for those places to administer the medication), when to just write down seizure activity including the length of time, when they should call me about any unusual behavior after seizures, and when to call 911, which for him is after a seizure lasts over five minutes.

Making those four details accessible to all who need them should have everyone up to speed pretty quickly!

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My family is moving about 15 minutes away. My daughter is in the 4th grade and is outgoing, friendly, a great student, and super involved at her current public elementary school through clubs and activities. We will be zoned to a new school in the same district, but have the option of keeping her in her current school for 5th grade. Our district is a K-5 and 6-8 school setup.
What advice do you have about finishing 5th grade with her current school (more work for us because no bus, but doable) or moving to the new school so she meets friends for middle school (scarier for her with leaving behind her friends and clubs, and not having the help transitioning to the new middle school)? We have a year-round sports team she will stay in, so those friends remain the same. I want the decision to be hers, but I want to help her think it through.

—Ready or Not

Dear Ready or Not,

I love that you are letting the decision be hers. I would do a pros and cons list with her to give her a bit of guidance on all of the opportunities that could be available in a new school and to see what she values most. Because she’s outgoing and friendly, she can easily make new friends at her new school and still see her old friends on the weekends. I would remind her that, especially with technology, moving won’t mean that she’ll have to give up her friends entirely.

I’d also ask, though, if there are any clubs and activities that she really wants to see through until she finishes fifth grade. For example, if she’s moved up to leadership positions in some activities, she would likely lose those standings if she changes schools.

At the end of the day, it sounds like she’ll do great wherever she goes. And she’ll feel good about her decision because you didn’t make it for her—you all worked on it together.

—Arionne

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