My ex is finally out of my life—forever. I can’t pretend I’m unhappy, even for my kids.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My marriage to my ex-husband, “Peter,” ended four years ago when I discovered he was having an affair with a female co-worker. Our boys were ages 2 and 5 at the time. Despite being a cheating asshole, Peter did remain a devoted father, and I swallowed my animosity toward him for the sake of parenting the kids effectively after the divorce. But now something terrible has happened to him.

A month ago, Peter was killed in a car crash. The boys are devastated, but if I’m being honest, I’m secretly pleased the bastard is gone. The kids, however, are confused about why I’m not saddened by his loss. How am I supposed to handle this? It feels so disingenuous to try putting on an act of grief over the death of the scumbag.

—Good Riddance

Dear Good, 

You don’t have to perform grief for your children, but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that your kids don’t need to know about any feelings of happiness or relief at their father’s death. Tell them that you are sad for their loss and that you hate the fact that someone who meant so much to them is no longer here. Explain that their emotions are the ones that matter most right now; if you need to offer more that, you can share that you grieved your relationship with your ex long ago and that his place in your life was based on who he was to them. Encourage them to share how they are processing the loss and be vocal about your empathy: “I’m so sorry this happened,” “I know how hard this must be for you.” I’m sure you do feel bad for your children, even if you don’t feel bad about your ex. Lean into your concern for them and away from your feelings of victory, no matter how well earned.

—Jamilah

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